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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

If you plan on reading all of this word for word… good luck! =P

It’s going to be my first stream of consciousness in ages, and probably the first one ever not to have a passcode. I’m probably going to write nonstop with no regards to length, be it very short or very long. So where to begin?

The ecstasy of passing with flying colors with the toughest examiner in Alma has already faded into the past. Whenever I drive with my dad, the quality of my skills decreases by like 200 percent. Driving with him is automatically associated with pressure, unneeded pressure. I start to make mistakes even when I think about driving with him. I don’t know if my parents noticed, but they’re making me a worse driver than I was before. I probably won’t be able to pass if I take the test now.

Yesterday, I went on a four hour tour in San Francisco. Tours are informative. Tours are boring until the very end. You don’t appreciate how much you’ve seen until twenty minutes before the tour ends. Then you look back and think “damn!” The tour was sort of eventful. On our way down from Twin Peak where you could see the entire city of The City by the Ocean, the top deck (where I was seated) noticed that we left two people behind. Thinking about it now makes me laugh, but back then, I don’t think anybody really cared.

Really? Well at least no one was willing to go to the tour guide and give him the news. So I’m like oh wtf and went down myself. There’s initiative for you, Eddie. Whether it was Eddie’s influence or the no man left behind mantra made famous by the Army and countless movies… So we went back to Twin Peaks, picked up the two stragglers, and I became a five minute hero. Sorry Eddie, but you make taking initiative seem so overrated.

I’ve also developed a habit of mentally speaking to myself, especially when criticizing others. It’s increased since break started because I’m cut off from the rest of the world and am agitated. Now I think about it, it sounds like a broken record. Nothing but holy shit get me the fuck out of here, how do I tell them that they’re acting gay without hurting their feelings, god fucking damn shut up SHUT UP.

I haven’t posted lately because I’ve been telling myself there’s nothing to talk about. Totally untrue. All of these mindless chores gives me tons of time to think about whatever. Today while stacking dishes, I thought about War of the Worlds, the Hollywood version. The kid talks to Cruise that all he wants to do is dump the kids back to their mother so he only has to care about himself. “And that’s the way you like it,” says he with an awful finality. How would I like it?

In my current mood, yes, definitely. Just take care of myself, don’t have to worry about carrying the burdens of others. Haha, no no, your group seems nice and prepared and all (How do I tell them that they’re acting gay without hurting their feelings?) but I’d like to be alone. How about we make a trade and never see each other again?

But then, I’ve always had a phobia for being the last person on Earth. Right… that makes my life soo much easier to contemplate.

I used to enjoy group projects. I still mostly do. Now, my mind is like tainted with distrust. I prefer to work alone. Get my A’s that way. Then people got this bright idea of “teaming up” with me and declaring my project a “group project.” (How do I tell them that they’re acting gay without hurting their feelings?) So that just means more work for me. It’s happened so much it’s a part of life now. I don’t really mind, because more work means more preparation. Well, it’s been better lately and now I’m the one slacking off as they “repay me.”

My increasing sense of rivalry doesn’t seem to have any bounds, especially in my French 4 class. You could call that a good thing. But it’s been hurting some of my friendships. I think I’ve alienated Cassandra and Kevin, perhaps even Martin for awhile. I knew it. I didn’t care. Just get your damn A and make up later. I don’t think it’ll let up anytime soon. Cassi and Kevin will continue to be alienated as I strive to achieve better grades. There’s not much I can do about it, or nothing I can think of right now. At least, nothing that won’t sacrifice my grades. Cassi’s voice still echoes in my mind. Have I done anything to offend you? You always act so cold and snappish. You’ve forgotten distant, Cassi… She mentions distant later on, so yeah.

I feel like I’m slowly changing to something I hate. But I know that something is going to be stronger, faster, and perhaps more efficient than what I am now. And I bet it’s going to be cruel. Shooting at your enemy when he/she’s already falling in flames cruel. Already, the coldness is becoming the default attitude whenever I meet someone. It takes a lot of effort to try and start to give them a decent chance to be someone I like. Thankfully, after that, it gets easy. I guess there’s still some part of me that’s compassionate and social no matter how small. You’re so fighting a losing battle.

I guess I fail to realize that there are things that should be done in groups. Even if it’s big and you think you can finish it single handedly. I fail to realize it until the very end, when I feel like I’m drowning and while I start to harbor this anger at this injustice and indecency towards my group who are getting ready for bed or chatting away on AIM about what seems to be the most trivial subjects. Well, I wouldn’t know. And to think, I was the one that isolated myself from the rest, no matter how willing they are to help.

And then Cynthia came along. Maybe she understands. I’m so damn glad she’s here and now I feel like crying through happiness because… because in the midst of the sleeplessness, the drowning, the helplessness, she’d reach out and help me through. Proofread some, correcting, staying up until the morning with me. Just guiding me in for a safe landing when all I’ve ever told my group was to back off. How does she know? It’s like my mask is inpenetrable to everyone but her. And now, her boyfriend dumped her and she wants to die. And I feel so bad. If she dies, I wouldn’t have repaid her for what she does for me. It’s not fair how the nice people always loses. It’s not fair that the brave ones die first in battle and the cowards that stay back still live.

Exasperated. Yes, that’s the word I was searching for this whole time.

Maybe to achieve better grades, you must at times isolate yourself from distractions, such as other people that try to make contact with you. People like Cassi and Kevin should know that better than anyone else. And honestly, they do act distant from my point of view. And automatically, my mind begins to generate words such as selfish and hypocritical. Wtf’s wrong with me??! I know they’re not, or at least not intentionally. One thing I strive to do is to NOT be hypocritical. Because those people make me puke.

So do people that talk really loudly for attention. God, I hate those people too. Being alone does have its treasures, and I haven’t fully appreciated it until I don’t have loneliness anymore. What I don’t like about my family is that they don’t know when I need to be alone. And now with all this fighting, I don’t even want to see people right now.

I also hate people that are really physical. Unfortunately, that’s one part of me that will always remain hypocritical. I’m always looking for some good excuse to hit someone in the face or kick in the gut. Whenever I see mean people taking advantage of others not up to me to decide, but still, I always walk over and argue while thinking Please hit me, please hit me, please oh god PLEASE HIT ME! And somehow, they never do, but just step aside. There are too many battles easily won. And “right” wins again.

Ecstasy, exasperation, sadness, anger, fear, anxiousness, depressed, worried, disappointed, and somehow, apathy. I don’t know how I feel all of these things all at once.

Teresa told me that things aren’t supposed to make sense when you’re angry. I’ve never heard anything so wise. But am I really angry? I really hope I am. Life would be that much easier when you only have one emotion at a time. But ten

Cheers.

Reading through all this makes me sound like a prick. I’m sorry if I offend anyone, but this is just how I am when I rant nonstop. But I guess I really am angry, so for now… I’m sorry if I offended you. But not sorry for thinking all of this.

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Filed under: General, , , , , , , ,

Past… and present.

I pretty much gaurantee to all of my readers that you’ve seen my new collage at the top of my post… and you have no idea who some of these people in the pictures are. Well of course, all of the pictures have me in it. It is, after all, “Bao’s Weblog.” But… who, when, and where are these pictures about? Well, if you’ve got the time, I shall invite you to meet my friends in hopes that you guys, one day, meet each other.

Big picture, furthest to the left, are of myself and my cousins, Sam and Kat at my great aunt’s house. It was around a few months ago on an oh-so-dull deathday party. After the kneeling business, the heavy, nauseating smell of insense, and the horrible food, we just went and hung out. Well Sam is pretty popular so she always has her cellphone around with her. Every party, at least once, she’ll receive a phone call, most likely from a guy. That’s why I sometimes have to call you guys to counter. =] After the call, we just got bored and started taking pictures. I chose one where we all looked good… et voila! Well, okay. To be fair, it’s the ones where I look decent.

Smaller picture on the left, just a few days before summer break, courtesy of Alex Nguyen, now senior… well freshman. There’s us just playing Uno on a euphoric seventh period. Going in a clockwise fashion starting from this extraordinary hawt guy wearing grey, theeeere’s your’s truly, Kevin Hseieh, Van Kieu, Thanh Nguyen, Sam Lee, and George Preno. On the steps from left to right are people I can’t seem to identify, and Christine Dinh.

To the middle, upper half, is myself at my grandmother’s falling asleep from yet another monotonous party and either Sam or Kat capturing a brief moment of weakness. Well of course, it got better when my cousins arrived… the ones my age. Middle upper right is yet another picture of myself and my two favorite cousins on my dad’s side, same day.

Middle bottom half is me at school on a very cold day, smiling for someone. I don’t remember who took it. Some say I looked like a drug addict, another says I look like a hobo. I say I was cold…
 To the middle bottom right is the crown jewel. In that picture, all of my close Fremont friends are in that picture with new friends whom I’ve met only a few years ago. Most notable person is the one sitting down, wearing black. He’s Vincent Leong, and it’s his sixteenth birthday party. If you look really closely, you can see me giving him the antlers…

Final pictures are of my closest friends here in EVHS. Saurav , the Indian, well, Nepalian guy closest to the camera, and Martin, also looking into the invisible lens. And there’s… me, oblivious to all around me, focused intently on some killer math problems…

And now you know who everyone in my collage is. =D Almost all of the most important people in my lilfe are in this mural of my past and present.

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Happy birthday KEvin

A lot of people care for you and I envy you. =] Have a happy birthday!

A “Happy Birthday” means such a lot
I hope you’ve had an awesome day.
I really means a lot of things
I never get to say.
It means you’re an awesome person first of all
Thanks for doing the things you do.
It means you mean a lot to me,
And that I’m proud of you.

But most of all, I guess it means
That I am thinking of
Your happiness on this, your day,
With pleasure and with love.

Modified it after some British website… Happy Birthday!

Filed under: Birthday poems, General, , ,

A commendation

I commend Kevin in his role as assassin. To be an assassin, one must demonstrate not only cunning prowess with your murder weapons, but to maintain a sense of balance between your offensive and defensive natures. Ying and yang.

Kevin, so far, maintains a second place rank in the game. But don’t forget, the scoreboard is only a secondary bonus in a game where survival is absolutely paramount. Kevin, by sheer luck and circumstance, managed to survive two attempts on his life.

It was during seventh. A lone challenger walked up to an unsuspecting Kevin, who was innocently walking from “A” building. The challenger had but one objective in mind: irradicate Kevin. His heart pulsed ever so harder as he neared his target. Adrenaline raced through his blue veins. His eyes grew larger, giving more visual input to his excited brain. He was in a different mindframe. A deadlier mindframe. This is what I live for, why I took on such a horrendous job. For the excitement, the rush. Within seconds he was mere feet away from Kevin. With a fluid motion, he pulled out a poisoned weapon he himself had personally crafted with obsession and dedication. Time seemed to slow and noises were distorted. He thrusted…

What the hell? He looked down at his arm. No! Kevin had parried his blow with a grab to his wrist. He stared in horror at his seemingly invincible target. His weapon lay pointless on the pavement.

Only some time later, Kevin would again escape from a different assassin.

Good job!

Filed under: General, Mafia, , ,

Friends

Ahh, friends, what can I say
You’ve help cheer me up on those cold winter days.
You’ve made me laugh, you’ve made me cry
It’s been fun, but time flies by.
Dear Vikki, you’ve been an awesome buddy
Chemistry, water fights, it’ll always be sunny
Hey Van, my dear street brother
Without you, where would I be? Lifeless in some street gutter…
Greetings Martin, you “little” perv you.
Life is always interesting when I’m around you.
And who can forget Saurav, one of my close friends
Used to hate you, but personalities can bend
Dear Christine, they say opposites attract
You’ve been wonderful to me, there’s so little you lack
And there’s Eddie, the man for all seasons
Deceptive and cunning, all of your actions have a reason
Not a single day goes by, not a lone waking moment
You’re all so important to me; you make everything all worth it.
I barely know Kevin, but I know him enough
Kindness with a sense of humor, and a sprinkle of lust…
…For Audrey, though I know her even less
I’ve read her blog and I must confess
We must talk sometime… no I do not jest
Oh snap, I almost forgot Teresa
Guy or girl, I’ll still appreciate thee
For all of those nasty little things that you’ve taught to me.
If you have Teresa, better not forget Marcus
Like Mario and Yoshi, the duo is snarkus
Also barging into this poem is a guy named Chris
Searching my mind, I knew someone was amiss
He’s full of jokes and is always brisk
And last but not least, we have Cassi
Bringing joy and laughter, she’s always a joy to see.
The future lies uncertain, but one thing will be sure
Our closely knit group of friends will split; it’ll be so hard to endure.
Wherever we go and whatever we do,
I wish to God I’ll see all of you.

You know, sometime later in the future, perhaps in my thirties, I might have a home, a job, and my own family. One day, this blog will just pop up into my mind and I’ll read it again. Memories will overwhelm my mind and I’ll cry from the overload of golden moments flooding my nerves. We’ve been through countless ups and downs haven’t we? Well, at least for me.

If and when we leave each other like dandelion seeds, I wish with all my might that we can keep in touch. Maybe meet again for some Christmas caroling and a good movie.

…now wouldn’t that be nice…

Filed under: General, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Scoreboard

Because I’m completely bored, I’ve decided to keep track of the number of kills each person has. Even though the main objective of the game is to be the last one alive, having the most number of kills can give you some pride =D.

And also, if Teresa starts killing everyone and Nam ends up with no kills and they both are the two remaining…. and Nam wins (scenario given by Martin), then this score system will be taken into account.

So far, Kevin and Saurav are in the lead with one kill each. Stanley had a kill, but died shortly after. Vikki, Martin, and Eddie died with no kills in their favor. Everyone else has zero but are still in the game. For some reason, almost EVERYONE has a large expectation for Teresa. LOL! Hmmm… it’s quiet… TOO quiet.

Kevin: 1 kill
Saurav: 1 kill
Igor: 1 kill
Nam: 0 kills
Marcus: 0 kills
Teresa: 0 kills
Van: 0 kills
Audrey: 0 kills
Stanley(deceased): 1 kill First Blood 😀 Kudos~
Vikki (deceased): 0 kills
Eddie (deceased): 0 kills
Martin (deceased) : 0 kills

Filed under: General, Mafia, , , , , , , , , ,

Last Sunday afternoon

Soo, Sunday afternoon was a fun time at Martin’s house. There was Halo, Mafia, and karaoke. Such fun times even though I regretted sleeping through part of it. I dreamt of a crushing darkness and when I came to, I found people trying to sit on me. 0_0 Truly disturbing as it was, I managed to keep it all in. I swear this isn’t healthy for my psychological half.

Not much to report, since the party wasn’t that interesting. Sure, it was really fun. Before lunch there was Halo3. After lunch there was karaoke. After karaoke was a water gun shootout and Mafia. As usual, I’ve performed spectacularly in the face of two gunmen. Using a single pillar as cover, I fought it out between Eddie and Kevin, with only my gun and arm expose. Ammunition flew everywhere. Water dripped down my barrel.

I fired guiltlessly, over and over again. Worrying about my ammo supply, I gave up each vantage point, one by one, slowy and strategically falling back until I reached my final resort, behind an elaborate fountain. I fired left and right, then spun back behind the pillar. After a sharp exhale, I went at it again, exposing myself. I fired and a stream of water flew between my chin ahd shoulder. Hah! Like such a narrow shot could’ve fazed me. But something was wrong. I was running low on ammunition, but my fire partner was nowhere in sight. I shot my two agressors continuously, yet they appeared to be invincible, unaffected by my fire as it landed at their hearts. THen… I spotted him. There was Van, at the lunch table. What the FUCK was he doing???! So, fighting bravely and skillfully, I’ve come to realize that a warrior knew when to call it quits. Yet another genius thwarted by an incapable assistant. Sorry Van. haha. Maybe next time.

THEN there was another episode where Martin had a garden hose. Ahhh the irony of it. Me and three others with lowly squirt guns taking on what Kevin called “The Spartan Laser.”

During Martin’s party, TWO more victims fell prey to their assassins. Saurav took a poison dart, lured Stanley away from the crowded area, and skillfully took him out. The only evidence of the kill was a bloody dart and a slit throat. Stanley was unwilling to submit to an interview.

BaoWahRaNgErS (9:16:54 PM): how did u feel when saurav murdered u?
stanleytchan (9:17:09 PM): relief
BaoWahRaNgErS (9:17:15 PM): why?
stanleytchan (9:17:40 PM): dont ask too many questions bao….dont question the nature
stanleytchan (9:17:40 PM): lol

Eddie took an invisible bullet to the face. Kevin ingeniously concealed a Glock and coaxed Eddie away from the room. The autopsy showed that Eddie is extremely conceited and that he shouldn’t underestimate his prey (AGAIN) in the future. The “bullet” was found lodged where the spinal cord met the brain, an extremely lethal pressure point. Kevin was extremely proud of his kill. It completely made up for his failed attempt to poison Eddie with pizza.

AilesGrise (9:13:08 PM): i shot him
AilesGrise (9:13:08 PM): like
AilesGrise (9:13:12 PM): a few feet away
AilesGrise (9:20:11 PM): I WAS EXTREMELY PROUD [of my uber pro kill]

Currently, the remaining assassins are: Van, Saurav, Nam, Marcus, Teresa, Kevin, Audrey, and Igor.

Most of you still have two targets to hunt down. Some of you only have one. I’m not gonna elaborate on that, because it’s up to you guys to figure it out. Igor and Kevin, however, had all of their targets eliminated for them. I will assign new ones accordingly and they should expect me to contact them over AIM or at school. I will have new kill lists for them.

And just a little side note, you can expect the next round to have a lot more people in it. The news has spread and more people want to join =] Martin has a lot of work ahead of him. Haha, good luck future god.

Filed under: General, , , , , , , , ,

cocktails! and a paradox

So, how do you make a Bao?? Should you turn it into uncreative banh baO? Or do you want to make up something new? Saay, a cocktail?

So… how do you exactly make a Bao cocktail?

Ingredients:
3 parts competetiveness
5 parts brilliance
3 parts empathy
Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Top it off with a sprinkle of wisdom and enjoy!

I found this website where you can make yourself a cocktail. I’ve found cocktails for other people too.

Eddie:
Ingredients:
5 parts intelligence
3 parts self-sufficiency
5 parts instinct
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of wisdom

Saurav:
Ingredients:
5 parts pride
1 part courage
3 parts empathy
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of fitness and enjoy!

Martin:
Ingredients:
1 part anger
3 parts arrogance
3 parts joy
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of curiosity and enjoy!

Teresa:
Ingredients:
3 parts jealousy
3 parts brilliance
1 part instinct
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of wisdom

Kevin:
Ingredients:
3 parts friendliness
1 part courage
5 parts ego
Method:
Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add curiosity to taste! Do not overindulge!

Audrey:
Ingredients:
3 parts anger
1 part ambition
1 part
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little curiosity if desired!

Van:
Ingredients:
5 parts competetiveness
1 part arrogance
Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little sadness if desired!

Christine:
5 parts success
3 parts crazyiness
Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Serve with a slice of lustfulness and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Cassandra:
How to make a Cassandra
Ingredients:
1 part anger
5 parts self-sufficiency
5 parts instinct
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of wisdom and enjoy!

Interesting, ey? If I have intentionally left you out and you want to find out how to make yourself, try this website: http://go-quiz.com/cocktail/cocktail.php.

There have been MAJOR arguments as to whether or not life exists outside our troubled blue planet. Some people say, “Psh, of course! Space is so big! What are the odds of us being alone?” Others say, “Life on other planets?? Nonsense!” Yet others are like, “I don’t care really. But I hope they never come!”

So… what ARE the odds of there having life on other planets? To satisfy my friends who are complete math freaks, I shall provide you an equation. YES, there is actually an equation that will give you odds as to is there life on other worlds. Or more accurately, life that we can communicate with. Developed in the 1960’s by an astronomer named Drake, the Drake Equation is one of the most famous equations in the astronomic community.

Drake’s equation states:

N = R* x Fp x Ne x Fl x Fi x Fc x L. Woow, it looks like the equation will lead up to a really big number huh?

(Lower case letters are subscripts) Soo, the equation is actually pretty straight forward. R* is the average rate at which a star is born in our galaxy. Fp is the fraction of those stars that actually have planets. Ne is the average number of planets that can potentially support life among the fraction of stars. Fl is the fraction above that can go on to potentially develop life from the fraction above. Fi is the fraction above that develops intelligent life. Fc is the fraction of intelligent life that develops any form of technology that provides evidence of their existance into space. And finally, L is the length of time such civilizations release signals into space.

Okay, Drake estimated that 10 stars per year are created. However, NASA today lowered the number down to 6. fp, stated by Drake himself, is 0.5 and it hasn’t been changed. Ne is 2, also estimated by Drake. Many satellites have eccentric orbits, most of which travel too close to the sun, then too far. So, that’s why we have such a low number. Fl is… 1. Fi is .01 Fc is also .01 And L is an estimated 10,000 years. We are tucked away in an obscure corner of the galaxy that’s why. You do all the math and the final answer is…. 2. NO idea what that means… just that odds are high… don’t ask.

Soo if odds are high, why aren’t we hearing anything? Why isn’t SETI pissing in their pants right now? Several theories answer this. Most obvious that comes to mind is that our estimates are wrong or the entire equation is wrong. Others say that alien civilizations are xenophobic. Seriously, who’d want to meet such a bloody violent race? There’s also the ZOO hypothesis. Says that we’re a little experiment and that no outside interference can be permitted. Others say that any advanced civilization out there would have killed themselves already. (Known as Fermi Paradox).

Filed under: General, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,