Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

I don’t know how I feel about this…

It’s been a pretty stressful week for me. Finals are fast approaching, hiding just beyond the horizon. I had several papers due, all of which had double digit page requirements. Since it’s 3 AM and I have my final paper due in less than 24 hours, of course my mind starts wandering. It picks the worst times doesn’t it? But towards the end of every semester, I find myself reflecting anyways. It’s become a routine… I guess today, right now, is that time. At 3 fucking AM.

I’ve found my life to have drastically changed. I have become more active in my accounting organization. I won officer elections for the vice president of fundraising position. I’ve made new friends, all of which are ambitious and good, strong influences. I’ve met new people. I’m putting myself out there. I’m becoming closer to the ideal person I’ve always wanted to be.

Yet, sacrifices were made. I haven’t been going to church lately. I’ve lost touch of those group of people. Unacceptable. I’ve also lost touch with those who I use to consider to be my best friends back in high school. I should get back in touch maybe.

All of these experiences, which I pretend to take in stride, scare the crap out of me every time. My doubts always linger in the back of my mind. I’ve lost so much faith in the things I once held dear. I’ve lost faith in religion and I’ve lost faith in friendships. Sometimes I think to myself, “What’s the point of religion?” It feels so… inefficient. It feels like a distraction that slows you down, like another layer of bureaucracy to my life, just another procedure that isn’t worth the hassle.

And what the hell is with friendship? The more people I meet just results in losing touch with more people. I wish I could just fast forward my life to where I meet my permanent friends. I want to stop caring about the acquaintances who come and go.

Of course, wanting to fast forward my life contradicts with this next lingering thought: suicide. First off, I don’t want to scare anyone who reads this. I don’t seriously considering offing myself, despite the fact that I think about it quite often. But it would be such an easy way out, wouldn’t it? Sometimes I think that if there weren’t people who cared about me, I would’ve died a looong time ago. So now I sometimes fantasize about being in accidents. Maybe I’ll get hit by a drunk driver while walking to class. Maybe I’ll have died saving people from a building fire.

I guess the theme of this semester for me was “being comfortable with being uncomfortable.” Honestly, this semester has been incredibly uncomfortable, but it has been the most successful, personally, academically, and professionally. But I’m pretty scared of messing up. How does everyone go through this? Are they as stressed as I am? Is this all normal? Am I normal? It feels like walking along a balance beam suspended hundreds of feet in the air. No safety net of course. But it’s not just me; there are my friends and colleagues. Nobody seems to be scared and nobody is losing their balance. I don’t feel like I’m about to fall soon, but my mind is screaming where the fuck is the safety net!? I don’t know. Maybe I’m out of my league. But I won’t give up. What’s the point of giving up after having gone this far?

Was it worth it, Bao?

Filed under: General