Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

This is the last remaining blog

It’s like a world, slowly dying, one state after another. Only it’s blogs! As far as I can tell, my friends and I have slowly quit blogging. Slowly, each person made their last posts and signed off with finality. Some of these blogs just ended without closure. Other people wrote heartfelt goodbyes and left without looking back, continuing their lives.

I know I haven’t written for awhile, but I never felt like it was goodbye. It felt more like leaving the back porch light on and I’ll be back whenever. I laugh on the inside because I remember posts about how this blog will be a time capsule for myself. I can remember other posts about this blog still being active when I’m thirty. I remember posts about a sitcom/comedy portraying my future. Everything had turned out very differently.

Since this small corner of our blog community has been very quiet (I think. I should check everyone’s blogs to see how active they are. Later.) it feels like I can write more freely. No, I’m not using this opportunity to write crap behind my friends’ backs. I can just write without worries now.

Through my search for God, I’ve found out that I’m a very prideful person. I’m also very weak. I’m always too ashamed of myself to ask for help. I’m constantly worried about how other people think of me. I feel like I’ve surrounded myself with a very hard, yet brittle, protective shield.

I’m constantly scared. I feel like I don’t have enough friends and that I’m not close enough to my current ones. I’m afraid of ending up alone. And yet, because I’m so damn scared of how others think of me, I’m shy. It’s difficult to meet anyone here and build up anything more than a superficial or professional relationship. And I expect myself to major in business?

I know this lack of confidence is very unhealthy. There’s an adage out there that is my last hope: Fake it until you make it. I feel like one good shot at me will bring me down. All of the bells and alarms are ringing in my head.

I have an interview for an officer position for a finance club tomorrow. I guess this is the first test. Actually, that’s false. It’s the first hurdle. I’m fucking scared because what happens if I actually get the position!?

I think I’ve changed. Writing out my problems no longer makes me feel better. Maybe this problem is so severe. Maybe I’m just treating symptoms here. The ultimate solution is changing who I am. But I can’t do that, can I? I can only fake it. And the problem remains and once again I’m treating the symptoms.

I think I have to learn how to swallow my pride and finally admit that I need help. Maybe I need a better friend. Or more friends. Nah, I just need more people who I can trust and confide in.

But then what?


Filed under: General

One Response

  1. Eddie says:

    I’ve started to blog again 🙂

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