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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

I’ve been thinking about Christianity for awhile..

Hey. Well, I’m back again… for now. I’m doing alright, thanks. How are you?

My life here has been filled with many ups and downs, many struggles and triumphs. But, like always, the struggles and failures always stand out more, right? Now, grades and internships are my number one concern. Ever since maybe a year or two ago, it has been smooth sailing when I entered the accounting major and I’ve been unused to any grade below an A-. Expectations definitely didn’t meet reality. Intermediate accounting is a vicious beast and the amount of people interested in any internship position makes my resume one in hundreds. I’ve learned that everything comes down to networking. If you don’t know the right people, there’s barely anything else that will differentiate you from the others.

I’m also struggling with religion. I’m worried more about finding a job/internship, but there’s just more to say about the idea of religion. I know a lot of people won’t be able to relate to these feelings I have, but this is just something that would feel nice to get off of my chest you know?

Lately, I’ve been wrestling around with the idea of being Christian. A real one, because apparently, simply declaring yourself one and believing in God just simply isn’t good enough. I guess the entire time, I was actually agnostic. Unfortunately, handing over my life to God is a very, very difficult life decision to make. To me, it means sacrificing control. Okay, so there is little doubt in my mind that God is real. It varies from day to day, but on average, I’m almost certain he exists. But even then, how can I give away control? I’m a college student. My source of money is from my parents. I don’t have the resources. Another reason for my hesitation is the fellowship I am in. Yes, these are incredible people. They are extremely generous even though I suspect they barely have enough to support themselves. They are understanding and caring. I bet I could talk to them about (almost) anything. But I think we have different core values, different principles to live by. In the long run, I wouldn’t be able to get along well with most of them. What differences in principles you may ask? Well, that’s not too important at the moment. The fact that there is a border between us to begin with warrants this discussion with myself.

I talked to a friend about it who said he had the same issues and he said to visualize an upright triangle with myself on a bottom corner and the others at the other bottom corner. We’re pretty separated at that point, but if both of us moved upwards towards the upper corner, where God’s supposed to be, we’re supposed to become closer and more united. Well, okay, you had to be there… it does sound kind of… meh right now. And even then, I was very skeptical. As of now, my decision whether or not to remain in this group is uncertain, which is very troubling for me because the majority of the friends I made at SFSU are there. That brings me to another interesting fact.

Statistically, people who become Christians are likely to shift their group of friends. Nothing has changed for me; I still keep in touch with my friends even from ten years ago. And if I was godless before, it means that these friendships were forged by mainly myself with God in the metaphorical backseat, and maybe it’s a sin for me to feel like those friendships are special because of that. Maybe it’s because I can’t help it. Maybe I can’t just be ready to give up nearly a decade of amazing moments with these people.

However, the number one reason I’m afraid to let God take control of my life is because I’m afraid of failure. This, supposedly, makes no sense. They tell me that it’s alright because as a sinful person, I am literally expected to fail. It’s supposed to be okay. I remembered listening to a message from one of the leaders of our church. He said that kids and adults accept gifts differently. Kids take their gifts and they are ecstatic about it. Whoa, I can’t believe you got me this bike! Thanks! When an adult accepts a gift, it’s more like Oh… damn… this is amazing. But you really didn’t have to do this. I must pay you back somehow. Well, I don’t know if that’s how you feel about presents, but that’s definitely how I feel, so that example really hit home for me. Why can’t I accept something “like a kid?”

I’ve got to get back to work. I’ll see if I can finish this thought later…

 

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