Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

This is the last remaining blog

It’s like a world, slowly dying, one state after another. Only it’s blogs! As far as I can tell, my friends and I have slowly quit blogging. Slowly, each person made their last posts and signed off with finality. Some of these blogs just ended without closure. Other people wrote heartfelt goodbyes and left without looking back, continuing their lives.

I know I haven’t written for awhile, but I never felt like it was goodbye. It felt more like leaving the back porch light on and I’ll be back whenever. I laugh on the inside because I remember posts about how this blog will be a time capsule for myself. I can remember other posts about this blog still being active when I’m thirty. I remember posts about a sitcom/comedy portraying my future. Everything had turned out very differently.

Since this small corner of our blog community has been very quiet (I think. I should check everyone’s blogs to see how active they are. Later.) it feels like I can write more freely. No, I’m not using this opportunity to write crap behind my friends’ backs. I can just write without worries now.

Through my search for God, I’ve found out that I’m a very prideful person. I’m also very weak. I’m always too ashamed of myself to ask for help. I’m constantly worried about how other people think of me. I feel like I’ve surrounded myself with a very hard, yet brittle, protective shield.

I’m constantly scared. I feel like I don’t have enough friends and that I’m not close enough to my current ones. I’m afraid of ending up alone. And yet, because I’m so damn scared of how others think of me, I’m shy. It’s difficult to meet anyone here and build up anything more than a superficial or professional relationship. And I expect myself to major in business?

I know this lack of confidence is very unhealthy. There’s an adage out there that is my last hope: Fake it until you make it. I feel like one good shot at me will bring me down. All of the bells and alarms are ringing in my head.

I have an interview for an officer position for a finance club tomorrow. I guess this is the first test. Actually, that’s false. It’s the first hurdle. I’m fucking scared because what happens if I actually get the position!?

I think I’ve changed. Writing out my problems no longer makes me feel better. Maybe this problem is so severe. Maybe I’m just treating symptoms here. The ultimate solution is changing who I am. But I can’t do that, can I? I can only fake it. And the problem remains and once again I’m treating the symptoms.

I think I have to learn how to swallow my pride and finally admit that I need help. Maybe I need a better friend. Or more friends. Nah, I just need more people who I can trust and confide in.

But then what?

Filed under: General

I’ve been thinking about Christianity for awhile..

Hey. Well, I’m back again… for now. I’m doing alright, thanks. How are you?

My life here has been filled with many ups and downs, many struggles and triumphs. But, like always, the struggles and failures always stand out more, right? Now, grades and internships are my number one concern. Ever since maybe a year or two ago, it has been smooth sailing when I entered the accounting major and I’ve been unused to any grade below an A-. Expectations definitely didn’t meet reality. Intermediate accounting is a vicious beast and the amount of people interested in any internship position makes my resume one in hundreds. I’ve learned that everything comes down to networking. If you don’t know the right people, there’s barely anything else that will differentiate you from the others.

I’m also struggling with religion. I’m worried more about finding a job/internship, but there’s just more to say about the idea of religion. I know a lot of people won’t be able to relate to these feelings I have, but this is just something that would feel nice to get off of my chest you know?

Lately, I’ve been wrestling around with the idea of being Christian. A real one, because apparently, simply declaring yourself one and believing in God just simply isn’t good enough. I guess the entire time, I was actually agnostic. Unfortunately, handing over my life to God is a very, very difficult life decision to make. To me, it means sacrificing control. Okay, so there is little doubt in my mind that God is real. It varies from day to day, but on average, I’m almost certain he exists. But even then, how can I give away control? I’m a college student. My source of money is from my parents. I don’t have the resources. Another reason for my hesitation is the fellowship I am in. Yes, these are incredible people. They are extremely generous even though I suspect they barely have enough to support themselves. They are understanding and caring. I bet I could talk to them about (almost) anything. But I think we have different core values, different principles to live by. In the long run, I wouldn’t be able to get along well with most of them. What differences in principles you may ask? Well, that’s not too important at the moment. The fact that there is a border between us to begin with warrants this discussion with myself.

I talked to a friend about it who said he had the same issues and he said to visualize an upright triangle with myself on a bottom corner and the others at the other bottom corner. We’re pretty separated at that point, but if both of us moved upwards towards the upper corner, where God’s supposed to be, we’re supposed to become closer and more united. Well, okay, you had to be there… it does sound kind of… meh right now. And even then, I was very skeptical. As of now, my decision whether or not to remain in this group is uncertain, which is very troubling for me because the majority of the friends I made at SFSU are there. That brings me to another interesting fact.

Statistically, people who become Christians are likely to shift their group of friends. Nothing has changed for me; I still keep in touch with my friends even from ten years ago. And if I was godless before, it means that these friendships were forged by mainly myself with God in the metaphorical backseat, and maybe it’s a sin for me to feel like those friendships are special because of that. Maybe it’s because I can’t help it. Maybe I can’t just be ready to give up nearly a decade of amazing moments with these people.

However, the number one reason I’m afraid to let God take control of my life is because I’m afraid of failure. This, supposedly, makes no sense. They tell me that it’s alright because as a sinful person, I am literally expected to fail. It’s supposed to be okay. I remembered listening to a message from one of the leaders of our church. He said that kids and adults accept gifts differently. Kids take their gifts and they are ecstatic about it. Whoa, I can’t believe you got me this bike! Thanks! When an adult accepts a gift, it’s more like Oh… damn… this is amazing. But you really didn’t have to do this. I must pay you back somehow. Well, I don’t know if that’s how you feel about presents, but that’s definitely how I feel, so that example really hit home for me. Why can’t I accept something “like a kid?”

I’ve got to get back to work. I’ll see if I can finish this thought later…


Filed under: General