Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Hey, it’s me again.

Hey! It’s been maybe a month since I’ve posted on this blog and here I sit feeling too warm in this heavy jacket while it’s cold and pouring heavily outside. It’s classic San Franciscan weather right now.

I haven’t at all forgotten about this blog. Quite the contrary, it’s been sitting in the back of my mind every other day. Bao, you should update your blog. It’ll be good for you. Then the next day. Bao, when you’re finished studying for the night, you need to update. Inevitably, I finish my studies in the library by walking the ten minute trip back to my apartment and just crashing.

But what to talk about?

I really don’t want to come to this blog with only problems; I still want to be able to associate this blog with a more golden, simpler time. Maybe that was just an excuse to not burden my friends with my problems. You see, there was a time not too long ago when I wasn’t the only person in my small group of friends who blogged. Commitments and priorities change, however, and for one reason or another people stop. In the end, this is the last one standing. That’s a pretty sad joke. Is it even standing? If it is, it’s barely standing with, what, one post a month maybe? That’s a far cry from the one or two posts every week. I can’t even come up with an apology that doesn’t ring hollow in my own head.

Not writing often does have some pretty detrimental effects. My vocabulary wasn’t as colorful as it once was. I’m having the most difficult time trying not to go on tangents (it looks like I’ve already failed). Most of all, I’ve become lazy.

However, this blog hasn’t failed its primary purpose: to be a place where I can be completely honest with myself. I feel like honoring this commitment today by talking about a problem. In time, hopefully, there will be more lighthearted things for me to ponder.

Religion. There has been an internal war raging in a secluded corner of my mind whether or not to truly accept Jesus as my savior. It sounds so cheesy. Everybody says that doing this would be accepting a gift. Who in their right minds would turn down a gift? Right?

But there are possibilities that I’m simply afraid of if I accept God’s gift. Will I still be me? Will I have to change my personality against my own will? Hell doesn’t sound that appealing of course, but Heaven looks… boring. I don’t want to spend eternity smothered in bliss. But who would spend it in the other extreme of eternal regret? I hope that in time I can change for the better and my viewpoint will change. But I don’t want to. There is a plethora of minute problems I have. And I know that many of them are flawed. Many of them are illogical and immature. But if you’re making a large investment in something huge, wouldn’t you want what you’re investing in to have as little flaws in it as possible?

I guess I’m deathly afraid of commitment. I’m not willing to be married right now and it’s safe to say that this decision is even larger than marriage. I can’t take it lightly. But there’s a sense of urgency. If I don’t make a decision, and soon, priorities shift, resulting in things like the eventual inactivity of my “blogging neighborhood.”

I really do want to accept this gift. I just don’t want to redefine myself at the moment? Will I really have to?

Filed under: General