Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Not the fun kind of busy

Normally around this time of year I should be planning our annual rafting and beach trips. But with group projects, finals, moving, group projects, job hunting, midterms, applications, and group projects just over the horizon, it can’t be helped that I should be taking this year off.

Nevertheless I’m still looking forward to these annual trips, only that for the first time ever I won’t be knowing what is going on. It feels really weird. I think I need to learn how to… lose control. It should be a nice break, yes? No more juggling the schedules of ten different people, looking for that ultra rare, mythical day where everyone happens to be free. No more dealing with last minute changes. No more caring whether or not people are happy. Okay, that didn’t sound as cold in my head.

I still can’t “lose control” over group projects. That is the one thing where I want the complete picture along with every minute detail. It just feels right. I want to have as much control over my grade as possible. I don’t micromanage, but I definitely check everybody’s work, which still feels like I’m doing it. Hopefully I can somehow spin this as being a team player to any future employers. I can’t lead though. Even though the projects are on track and it definitely feels like I’m supposed to be in charge, I… under-utilize people. I have the same problem whenever I play an RTS and sometimes I wish there was a “select idle unit” button in life.

As well as I’m doing in classes, I still feel pretty depressed. Damn, why can’t I ever be happy with my situation and just be happy? Why do I always find something wrong? It feels this way right now. Only a few minutes ago, it feels like something goes wrong whenever something else goes right. It’s hard to tell the difference and I don’t know which feeling is the right one.

Anyways, I’ll keep toiling I guess. Good night.

Filed under: General