Bao's weblog

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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Nothing much going on

Fall quarter is slowly winding down as slowly as the trees lose their orange leaves. The holiday break is approaching as fast a locomotive… with finals week as its cowcatcher. And as certain as the seasons, I will be making my usual crash landing in a spectacular fireball as my wrecked, mangled body bounces ungracefully past the finish line.

Yes, this is how I end most of my quarters. I lose motivation and grow lazy. My grades want to drop lower and lower and damn do they try. And I almost let them. Then it comes down to the wire where the final will make the difference between an A and a B. So, do I make a miraculous, epic landing and catch the third wire, or do I slam into the deck, collapsing the undercarriage, and end up falling into the ocean?

I’m actually playing catch up at quite a leisurely pace. I’ve had two weeks to complete three papers. With one week remaining, I have two papers left to finish. But as leisurely as the pace I’m setting, I still took a brief intermission to visit Melanie. It’s striking how every time I see her I end up seeing how depressed I really am. Friends are precious, aren’t they? And yet, somehow, I feel like they’re all slipping away one way or another.

I loathe myself and wish I could return to the way I was before; self-sufficient, not having any close relationships with anybody, and being happy with it. But I now know what I’ve been missing out on. It’s painful to lose friends. It sucks placing a holiday wreath or a bouquet (I picked the wreath because of the holiday season and also it’s a little nod to the Harry Potter series that I knew she loved). What I don’t understand is that I expect something to happen after I stand up and leave. Maybe if I turned around, I can catch her waving and laughing. I’m not trying to sound poetic or cheesy if that’s what you’re thinking, but that’s just how I feel.

Dammit Bao, the Christmas cheer is on its way. Lighten up!

Sure… but crash landing for finals takes priority. Time to try and study haha.

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