Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

This was originally going to be an UP post, but I think the more people who reads this, the better I’ll feel

I’m currently surrounded by an obscene amount of newspaper clippings, my laptop, an idle printer, and weeks and weeks worth of newspapers… all in honor of my last day of class tomorrow. That probably begs the question: why the hell am I blogging at this time? Fucked up priorities aside, I guess I just wanted to… talk (if I can even call it that). Not only that, but I want someone (or something) to just listen (uh, read) and not interrupt. How convenient is blogging!?

Nearly 24 hours ago, I had one of the most painful, happy nightmares that left me in tears when I came to. I never knew such a literal oxymoron could ever exist.

Well, in the dream, I met a deceased friend who was very, very dear to me when she was alive. We were sitting across from each other at a round, wooden table. It was a wooden room surrounded by wilderness, so I want to say that we were in a cabin. Then we were in an apartment. It seemed like every time I paid attention to the room, we were in some other environment. But none of that would matter, because Melanie told me that she was going to die tomorrow. Probably the logical reaction would be disbelief or to laugh it off as some kind of bad joke. Maybe the fact that I kind of knew in the back of my head that she was already dead made it easier to accept it. But that didn’t make it any less painful.

“Tomorrow?” I whispered.

She nodded. I started shivering and tried to hold back a stream of tears.

“Are you cold?” she asked me. I nodded, and the two of us went to the car. Ignition. Engine set in idle. The heater didn’t make me feel any better. She asked me something else.

“Can we drive?”

I looked at her, then wordlessly backed the car away from the cabin. And we drove.

I recognized Half Moon Bay as we drove along the foggy two lane road. I could hear the water crashing against rock above the rev of the engine. We saw spectacles of light as we drove past Las Vegas, Dallas, and Chicago, all at a constant 65 mph. The car could go on forever. Gasoline was never in my mind. It was dawn when we reached Manhattan in less than a day. We kept driving, neither of us talking. Not a single fiber in me wanted to talk. I really wanted to savor her presence.

We grabbed a quick breakfast in Paris, a croissant for each of us. We had lunch in Switzerland. We kept driving and driving. The stuffed tofu I have hanging in my car kept bouncing and swinging with the car. I was so scared. The day was going way too fast. I wanted to turn back, as if somehow that would reverse time and bring us back to the cabin twelve hours ago. It seemed like the more time passed, the weaker she got. The both of us somehow knew when she was going to die.

She passed away at sunset next to some lake in Russia. We stepped out of the car onto the meadow. The meadow was very soft and the individual blades of grass flowed in the wind, like water itself. For the first time since Half Moon Bay, I looked at her.

“I’m so sorry,” I told her. Damn, it was really hard to talk. “The entire time, I never knew what to say or do.” Nothing seemed to be adequate enough. So we sat down on a slope near the lake and started talking. About our lives. About the trip. About the most random crap.

She leaned on me. Her head rested on my shoulder. She felt so warm. She told me thanks for the trip and that she had a good time. It felt like she was smiling. I couldn’t look, because her head never stopped resting on my shoulder. I could only look forward, onto the lake and the sunset. For what felt like several hours I could only look forward as her head rested on my shoulder.

… I have no fucking clue why I would do this to myself, reliving this when I have an all nighter ahead of me. I guess it’s time to put on some music and start cracking. Tomorrow’s the final day of class. About time…


Filed under: General

One Response

  1. cutelilgaara says:

    I almost cried reading that.

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