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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Harsh, harsh, harsh…

Whenever I’m in a dark mood and feeling sorry for myself, my friends IM me or talk to me. They don’t know what’s going on because I haven’t told them and probably never will. This is a recipe for disaster.

I’m not the kind of person that just instantaneously bursts with rage. I’m a really passive-aggressive person and try as much as I do to plug the holes, some of my anger manages to leak out onto our AIM conversation. A snide comment here or there sometimes manages to alienate my friends. It happens in the real world, too. Sometimes I just leave to go somewhere else without saying a single word, ignoring the “Where’s he going?” and the “Oh… bye I guess…?”

No, I’m not angry at you, you, or you. If I was angry, you wouldn’t be unsure of it; you would know. Apparently I’m pretty bad at hiding anger. “Why’s he leaving? Did we do something to piss him off?” Most likely not. Well, the chances are there, but they’re low. Sometimes, I just want to sulk by myself. Sometimes, I don’t want to be cheered up. So let me drown myself in my music, or else let me leave in peace.

Oh, I never tell anyone what’s bothering me (unless it’s on this blog) due to habit. Someone has already convinced me that talking to other people about my problems isn’t a weakness. But it’s been so long since I’ve talked to someone about a nontrivial problem that it has become my thing. I convince myself that nobody is willing to help me, that nobody has the time, or that what they say won’t help. I wonder if I say that to protect myself?

Well, I’m having a problem right now. I feel like crap. I hope it’s just my life that’s crap and that I don’t have something serious like depression, which I’m doing more research and becoming increasingly worried about. Sometimes when I’m doing alright, I’d feel very shitty in a matter of minutes. I wonder…

And yes. Terrorist attacks are definitely the worst times and places to play the Penis Game.

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Filed under: General

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