Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Pretty damn long…

It’s 2:03 in the morning and I’m low on sleep, but I kind of want to just keep on typing and see what I’m like when I’m moodily sleep deprived. I’m just going to do a nonstop stream of consciousness until I burn out.

Today was a pretty eventful day by my standards. I woke up at 10ish. I turned on my Gamecube and saved the Earth from 40 ft. tall giants (Robotech battlecry). It’s pretty fun and I wish more people would play it so I’d have someone to compete against. I had Korean food for lunch. I met up with some Cupertino friends for dinner up there as well as a veery late movie. Pirates of the Caribbean Four was pretty funny. Um, I’m just typing what’s happened in my day as to kind of get a running start, so yep. Anyways… fuuuuuck I’m stuck now! I lost my train of thought explaining why I’m… okay I’m truly stuck. Haha, that’s failure to launch right there!

I’m currently looking for a job, although there’s a fairly strong chance I may get one. But still, I’ll never get my hopes up until they actually call me. In the mean time, I think I’m going to spam the Bay Area with job applications haha. I’m going to save aside $500 for new clothing. I even have my own personal shopper who’d help me for free =P. I’m saving aside maybe $200 for a PSP. The rest will go towards college. That’ll be books, food, gas, etc.

Hmm, single life is truly starting to set in. My ex… she’s… weird. She never seems to know what she wants. Scratch that. She never seems to know who she wants. She’s obviously way to indecisive for me. On really bad days, my self-esteem is pretty much nonexistent. I’ve had strings of bad days before, so there are often times when I think I’m not good enough for her. It’s nice to see my friends stick up for me every once in awhile. That’s actually pretty amazing because I run a pretty tight ship about not letting anybody know about my romantic life. How do they see through me? You’re probably wondering why I’m explaining my romantic life if I say I don’t let anybody know. Well, that’s probably sleep deprivation for ya.

ANYWAYS, it’s probably a good thing that she may be moving back to Korea. Being with her, though fun, can make your chest go up and down. Like whenever she kisses me without me expecting it, it feels like I’m on a rollercoaster. Isn’t it weird how emotions can actually manifest itself as a physical feeling? I don’t get the physiology behind it; it probably has something to do with chemicals and hormones. Why does being scared give you the same sick feeling in your stomache as when you’re falling? Or is that just me? Anyways, I often tell her to stop. (there have been moments of weaknesses FUUCK) I think she thinks there’s a chance she can get me back. Sometimes I believe that too. But I don’t want to put myself through that again. Drama isn’t my cup of tea. A relationship doesn’t need conflict to progress. Does it?

Maybe I just feel alone. Sometimes when I walk to class, I can feel so alone even though there are hundreds of people around me. They’re always going their own ways. Some of them walk with each other. Others, like me, walk alone from one class to the other, most of us sporting earbuds or texting and such. I always wonder what people are thinking about. Maybe…

Fuuck, I’m not ready for my midterm!

Yeah I totally got this in the bag.


So if I take the antiderivative of f(x) = ln(3/x^2)…

What was the fucking formula again??!

Doo dee doo doo…

So dance fucker dance man he never had a chance…

I wonder what other people are thinking about?

I think I’m holding back on my new friends. I don’t know what I’m afraid of, or why I’m so hesitant. Could it be guilt? Maybe I’m afraid that one group of friends will replace the other. But I think the main reason is that I don’t see any point to it. I guess I don’t expect to be talking to these people in two to three years. Maybe they’re too nice. HAHA, actually no. In some ways, they’re a lot meaner than my current group of friends whom I only see once a week. I think I have a love hate relationship with them (my current group). Like… I really don’t know how to explain it. Sometimes I dread seeing them. But whenever I drag my feet and meet them, I end up having a blast. But… I don’t know why I sometimes don’t want to see them. What’s changed? Have the people change? The group dynamic? New people? New number of people? Or is it me?

I really do miss the original people. Just me, Martin, Saurav, and Teresa. (Maybe Kevin). But that just doesn’t happen anymore.

Maybe I don’t like to be tied down. Maybe I just like proving I don’t need to be tied down. But that’s why I make new acquaintances. I remember back in the day when I’d meet an old friend who would have a new friend or two with him/her. And they’d have SO many inside jokes. But now I probably know more people in more places than most people I know. Maybe that’s good. Networking for the win right? But maybe that’s bad. I don’t think it is, since I still try to keep in touch with my core group of friends. We still hang out nearly every weekend. We still do things that we don’t do with other people.

Actually, my new friends are beginning to include me in future plans such as the beach, movies, SF, camping, skiing… I think the feeling of belonging is one of the best feelings in the world. I think it’s pretty amazing because they’ve known each other long before they “took me in.” I’ve never been a new person before. Oh, that reminds me ( I don’t know how), but I owe one of them like $12. Dammit.

Okay it’s pretty obvious to me by now that I can ramble on forever. So I’m just going to leave it be and go to bed.


I’m going to SF tomorrow. I hope it’ll be fun. It’s going to SUCK if the person operating my BART train gets raptured.


Filed under: General

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