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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

stream of consciousness

If there was an adjective that I wish could describe me the most accurately, it would have to be “bulletproof.” I’m trying to gaze to the past and try to remember if I ever was as such. No, I wasn’t… but I don’t think many people knew. Maybe they saw me as a really nice guy who they saw no reason in screwing with. I mean, who would really want to fuck with me? What did I ever do?

Nothing.

So is there any real reason for me to want to be bulletproof? Stupid question. Yes. But I don’t know what that reason is. Is it because I want to appear this way to my friends? Well if that was the case than I had really missed the mark on that and it would be too late to do anything about it. But ultimately, being bulletproof isn’t me. Maybe I don’t need to be bulletproof, maybe I just want to be strong. This is misleading in a way because I definitely don’t see myself as weak.

“You understand that the second you look in the mirror and you’re happy with what you see, baby you just lost the battle.”

-Dr. Cox.

I’ve always thought this way. But Dr. Cox was only talking about his body and working out. I’ve always taken this approach in life. But maybe it’s because of spring break or because of a long drive in rush hour to ponder… but if I keep thinking like this, I will never be happy. This is probably one of the reasons why I’ve been feeling… unaccomplished lately. But there’s something attractive to thinking like this. I can’t place it though.

“‘The Drej are strong, fast, and efficient pilots. To beat them, you just have to be stronger, faster, and more efficient’… Akima took her flight instructor’s advice also as a way of getting ahead in life: be stronger, faster, and more efficient than the next guy.”

-Titan A.E.

And that’s exactly how I want to be. But it’s not as easy as Akima and her instructor makes it to be. Plus there is this goal I have to be more open and more willing to share my problems with friends. The goals conflict. But everything is subjective. Are you considered strong by willing to be vulnerable? But isn’t it also considered strength to be able to blast through every obstacle on your own? Or at least try? It’s called being independent!

But I never knew that this type of thinking went as far as making some of my friends feel bad. So now I’ve reached a critical point where I can no longer fulfill all of my goals without compromising others. What do I do? Well… where do my priorities lie?

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Filed under: General

One Response

  1. asd says:

    I think what Dr. Cox is saying that your life is the continuous progress to make yourself better. If you become happy with who you are you’ve stopped progressing and therefore you’ve stopped living. I too admire this type of thought, continual progress.

    In regards to your thoughts of strength, it’s much like the quote “it isn’t the man who has no fear that is fearless but rather the man who is willing to face his fears” The strength of a man can be measured by how much conviction he holds his words and determination to live his live through his rules, whether they be derived from other literature or life experiences.

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