Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary


This was supposed to be part of the friendship rules post, but I ended up ranting for so many paragraphs that it might as well have its own post.

I celebrated a friend’s birthday party for the second weekend in two weeks. Damn is he a lucky bastard… We really don’t treat all of our friends equally in the group and I don’t really know how I feel about that. Three weeks ago for another friend, we had spent over a hundred dollars on multiple presents, free lunch and dinner for her, along with cake, balloons, and a ridiculously expensive party hat. We’ve agreed right then and there that none of us will ever get such special treatment. Why? Our explanation was pretty… blunt. It was because she was a better friend than the rest of us. So are some of us better friends than others? What makes some people better than the rest? Personality? Charisma? But this paragraph leads to a dead end since I’m not experienced enough to make any rules on this. And I guess this is working for the moment, although I’ve sensed some friction.

For me, friends come and go all the time. There are people who you meet in class, find them interesting, and you guys go for lunch later and this will last the entire quarter. When the next quarter arrives than they’re gone. Most of you guys also know that I’ve had terrible friends in the past which is why I don’t like to open up to my current friends. Vulnerability for me is one of the worst feelings in the world. Plus it’s not like they’re perfect, despite what the more egotistical and arrogant ones prefer to think. Accidents happen and when they’ve occurred in the past, I was crucified. So for now I’ll keep the course. You know, some of them mentioned that they were hurt or offended that I don’t trust them enough to share my feelings or problems. Again, this entire vulnerability issue comes into play. I always notice whenever I put myself at risk, emotionally or physically. So whenever I get the urge to share, alarms activate in my head. Psychologists say that it’s unhealthy keeping your problems bottled up and talking to someone is always better than typing it down on some obscure blog. If you have someone special enough that you can trust in your life, never let that person go.

I have some very exceptional friends myself, but there has only been one person ever to who I’ve really let loose… and I haven’t mentioned how long it took for this to happen and how much I suddenly wanted to back out. But in the end, I’ve never been more pleasantly surprised at how well he took it in stride and made me feel better about myself.

I obviously have tons of emotional baggage which may deserve its own (private) post in the future, but it’s not what this post is about. So let’s start.


Filed under: General

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