Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Which friends?

I talked to someone I met in Fremont, who I haven’t spoken to for months.

“How was winter break without us?”

I replied, “It was great. My friends and I did Secret Santa. We also went to hella places.”

I then asked, “How was winter vacation without me? What did you guys do?”

Wait wait. I couldn’t believe what I asked. …without me… without us…  And then I had an epiphany. I really, really missed my friends from Fremont, but I probably don’t belong in that group as much anymore. And I realized that I found my friends in Evergreen… still quite “new” to me. It’s a strange feeling considering that I’ve only hung out with my friends from Fremont for less than two years and my Evergreen friends for nearly six. I do so many things with my current friends that it’s a treat every time I see them. But…

I think my feelings for them have been a bit stagnant and I’ve only realized it just now. I still sometimes see my Evergreen pals as “friends away from home.” But I thought Evergreen was my new home now. I have best friends here. But I also have best friends there… but I don’t talk to them often. Although if I talked to them again, I’m sure there would be no awkward pauses and we could continue as if nothing happened. And indeed, nothing has happened that would decay our friendship… not even time.

Then I asked myself how it would feel if I moved away from Evergreen and back to Fremont, and if my two groups of friends suddenly switched places and I saw the Fremont people more often than the Evergreen kids. The answer made me realize what I really wanted and what I didn’t. I never really wanted groups of friends scattered all over the place; it’s just how it came to be and I adapted to it. What I would much rather have is for everyone to live in the same city.

But what I want and what is really happening are irrelevant to each other. At the moment, I feel closest to my friends in Evergreen, but now a strange feeling of… detachment… no. Detachment is too… strong… of a word. Maybe foreign? They seem a tad foreign to me. Looking back, it feels weird how often times I’ve sat next to my friends in Evergreen… Kevin, Saurav, Teresa… the memories were so bright, the sun in those images are blinding and the hue of those memories seems so golden.

But… what I wouldn’t give to travel back in time and hang out at Fremont for awhile. I think back then, I thought the best, the most amazing people that ever existed were all in my small cluster of friends over there. Xi, Vincent, Erik, Andrew… damn you guys are awesome.

I was obviously proven wrong. Those groups of memories are both amazing. Life would’ve been simpler had I remained in Fremont. But I would never trade that reality for this one.

But anyways, the unsettling part is the foreign feeling I’ve started to harbor. Back in the ninth grade, I saw everybody as temporary friends that kept me occupied until I move back to Fremont. The culture and attitude of the people at Evergreen were so different! I found out what a culture shock felt like… without even leaving California. I came to Evergreen thinking that I will never meet people like those I left behind ever again. To this day, I have not. The people I’ve become friends with there seemed like a vaguely interesting slideshow. But overtime, I became more and more invested. And today, even though they’re not the friends I love in Fremont, Evergreen kids are something better. But not “as better” as Fremont. This is confusing for me, as I’m sure it will be for anyone that may read this. Both groups are better than the other. In every way. How is that possible?

So if I had to pick which group is “better,” I’d sooner throw myself off a cliff than begin to try and think about it. Not only wouldn’t it be right, it would be fucking impossible.

It’s like me moving from San Jose to Paris and living there for ten years. I’ll have made my own group of friends and we would be quite close. But when the time comes and I had to move back… would I be happy? Of course. But would I be sad?



Filed under: General

3 Responses

  1. map0wt0fu says:

    Well I think you feeling foreign around the EV people stems from the fact that back then, in high school, there was more overlap in our lives. We were more involved with each other because of the classes we were taking, because what else do you do at lunch if not talk and do random shiz during the seventh? Now all the EV people have different lives, there isn’t as much overlap. We don’t tell each other “oh fuck I failed that test” or “Mr. West is emoing again”. Back then we used to share a lot of small details in our lives and now we don’t because of distance and different classes. There’s a lot of things we’re doing and it’s hard to keep track of everything like we did in high school. I used to feel this way too, I got over it by knowing that even if I didn’t talk to my friends for a long time, they’d still be my friends. We’d be able to pick it like we never left and so far that’s been the case.

    As to you problem of picking the “better” group of friends, it sounds like an apple and orange question to me. Somethings aren’t worth troubling yourself over. They’re both kick ass fruits and they offer different flavors and experiences. Your group of friends are the same, your Fremont friends may be better then us at some things, or just different, but I bet we’re better then them at other things. So I wouldn’t play tug-of-war between the two groups, imagine them as two pillars that will hold you up as you’re taking on the world.

  2. Bao Pham says:

    I suppose the first paragraph is true… I talk to my friends in Fremont a lot more about all kinds of stuff.

    And as for the second, I would never dare deciding which group is “better” or not.Everyone I know is an amazing person in every different and same way. I kind of think only I get that, but whatever haha. It would take more than a comment box to explain how I feel…

  3. […] quick resolution A short time ago, I’ve been having some trouble. But today, I caught myself walking with some friends. We just came out of a “study” […]

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