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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

I hate you mom

With nothing to write about for such a long time, it’s a damn shame that my this entry that brings me out of my drought is a small rant. It was the crappiest feeling in the world when my mom yelled at me for not having a job. Your younger cousin just got a fucking job. Why don’t you get one as well so you can be more useful around the damned house?

Well, I’m very sorry. I really am because I want a job as well. But with an advanced math class, an advanced physics class, an advanced English class, and a chemistry class (21 units) … along with six hours of lab a per week… along with eight hours of taekwondo per week… and a piano lesson every Friday, I think that it’s extremely unfair of her to ask me to nab a job. Who would even hire me with the little amount of free time I have? The only way this would be possible would be for me to work graveyard shifts, meaning that I would be working anywhere from 12 a.m. through 5 or 6 a.m. Than I’d have math homework to do, physics exams to study for, science labs, essays, fucking taekwondo in the evenings… does she not see the FUCKING pattern?

It’s not like I don’t want a job; I would love to be able to pay for my own textbooks and supplies (you guys know how I am about depending on people). But at this rate, I’m pretty sure adding a full time job to my work week will literally land me in the hospital. Actually, that would be pretty cool.

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Filed under: General

This us how us nerds throw tantrums…

I was fuming tonight. Fuck I was fuming. Problems in life along with a ridiculous calculus website that shouldn’t even exist kept mocking me in my head. Arms shaking, I grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on and aimed it at the wall, ready to throw. Ah, that’s my calculator. Too expensive. I looked around. Binder? No, I don’t really want to clean up afterwards. Why couldn’t I just throw shit around like a real man??

I rummaged through a drawer. Aha! The plastic cylinder container that once held my earphones. I threw it against the wall with all my might. It ricocheted off the wall and fell next to me. I picked it up. And threw another hard one against that wall. It fell and hit me in my eye. Bitch!

Than at that particular instant, my friend IMs me with the message, “So what’s dealio with you man?”

When I picture myself ranting all of my shit to someone, I picture in my head that one scene from Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, where the evil Russian lady acquires too much knowledge and her eyes explode in white light and I see that happen to my friend. Of course, I only ever picture myself ranting to a friend; I’ve never talked about 90% of my problems to anyone before. I’m a private person, so every one of you that want in on my shit can shove kindly forget about¬†it.

Filed under: General

A quick resolution

A short time ago, I’ve been having some trouble. But today, I caught myself walking with some friends. We just came out of a “study” session from the campus library. As we walked off into the sunset, I kind of had a side view of the group. There were Saurav, Kevin, Nam, and Anh (someone from De Anza). The dying rays of the sun brought on a striking contrast from the golden images I kept in my brain of my Evergreen friends on a drive.

In this particular memory that happened only hours ago, I realized that… this… is where I belong. Even though I was in Cupertino, Evergreen finally felt like home and images of everyone I’ve ever met in Evergreen sort of played in my mind.

I totally love all of you ūüėÄ

And no homo if you’re a guy.

Oh, and speaking of homo, I saw Kevin taking it from behind in the study room today. (Nam was behind Kevin) It was surprisingly rhythmic that you could’ve set a metronome to it.

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How alone I feel

Your graceful casket.

A smiling picture atop.

I miss you so much.

Please, don’t any of you guys die. I don’t want to come and cry at your funeral, too. So why can I see in perfect clarity the flowers artfully arranged, the chairs lined up neatly in rows, outside in the sprinkling rain? It’s something that I bitterly want to forget but cling onto me for always. I’m so tired. Tired of seeing you guys die in sudden accidents. Tired of imagining receiving the news. Tired of imagining the trip to the¬†cemetery. Tired of being sad. Tired of being scared.

Who will I be able to spend a warm December day with now?

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Which friends?

I talked to someone I met in Fremont, who I haven’t spoken to for months.

“How was winter break without us?”

I replied, “It was great. My friends and I did Secret Santa. We also went to hella places.”

I then asked, “How was winter vacation without me? What did you guys do?”

Wait wait. I couldn’t believe what I asked. …without me… without us… ¬†And then I had an epiphany. I really, really missed my friends from Fremont, but I probably don’t belong in that group as much anymore. And I realized that I found my friends in Evergreen… still quite “new” to me. It’s a strange feeling considering that I’ve only hung out with my friends from Fremont for less than two years and my Evergreen friends for nearly six. I do so many things with my current friends that it’s a treat every time I see them. But…

I think my feelings for them have been a bit stagnant and I’ve only realized it just now. I still sometimes see my Evergreen pals as “friends away from home.” But I thought Evergreen was my new home now. I have best friends here. But I also have best friends there… but I don’t talk to them often. Although if I talked to them again, I’m sure there would be no awkward pauses and we could continue as if nothing happened. And indeed, nothing has happened that would decay our friendship… not even time.

Then I asked myself how it would feel if I moved away from Evergreen and back to Fremont, and if my two groups of friends suddenly switched places and I saw the Fremont people more often than the Evergreen kids. The answer made me realize what I really wanted and what I didn’t. I never really wanted groups of friends scattered all over the place; it’s just how it came to be and I adapted to it. What I would much rather have is for everyone to live in the same city.

But what I want and what is really happening are irrelevant to each other. At the moment, I feel closest to my friends in Evergreen, but now a strange feeling of… detachment… no. Detachment is too… strong… of a word. Maybe foreign? They seem a tad foreign to me. Looking back, it feels weird how often times I’ve sat next to my friends in Evergreen… Kevin, Saurav, Teresa… the memories were so bright, the sun in those images are blinding and the hue of those memories seems so golden.

But… what I wouldn’t give to travel back in time and hang out at Fremont for awhile. I think back then, I thought the best, the most amazing people that ever existed were all in my small cluster of friends over there. Xi, Vincent, Erik, Andrew… damn you guys are awesome.

I was obviously proven wrong.¬†Those groups of memories are both amazing.¬†Life would’ve been simpler had I remained in Fremont. But I would never trade that reality for this one.

But anyways, the unsettling part is the foreign feeling I’ve started to harbor. Back in the ninth grade, I saw everybody as temporary friends that kept me occupied until I move back to Fremont. The culture and attitude of the people at Evergreen were so different! I found out what a culture shock felt like… without even leaving California. I came to Evergreen thinking that I will never meet people like those I left behind ever again. To this day, I have not. The people I’ve become friends with there seemed like a vaguely interesting slideshow. But overtime, I became more and more invested. And today, even though they’re not the friends I love in Fremont, Evergreen kids are something better. But not “as better” as Fremont. This is confusing for me, as I’m sure it will be for anyone that may read this. Both groups are better than the other. In every way. How is that possible?

So if I had to pick which group is “better,” I’d sooner throw myself off a cliff than begin to¬†try and think about it. Not only wouldn’t it be right, it would be fucking impossible.

It’s like me moving from San Jose to Paris and living there for ten years. I’ll have made my own group of friends and we would be quite close. But when the time comes and I had to move back… would I be happy? Of course. But would I be sad?

…definitely.

Filed under: General

dot Dot DOT

Damn I am pissed! I want to rant. But all of the things I want to rant about kind of want to present themselves at the same time, so it’s like a hundred people trying to squeeze through the door of my front house at the same time. Everything is stuck. I just want it all to come out! I want to DO something. And at the same time, I want it done.

My writing exponentially decays when I am pissed. Not knowing why I’m pissed doesn’t do anything to… alleviate. I don’t feel like going to bed because it would be the opposite of accomplishing something. This is even though my eyelids are heavy and I’m yawning every minute. Knowing why I feel like this would be great. I would appreciate any help from anyone.

Have you ever been unreasonably pissed for no reason? (Having a period counts as a reason) Please leave a comment or something. This blog could use more comments I suppose.

Laters.

Filed under: General

A tribute to my favorite things

Scrubs. And magic… something I haven’t done for a while. I think I should start again.

Honestly, I just wanted to share this 40 second video =P

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It’s 1/11/11!!!

Just thought you guys ought to know. Because this kind of thing almost never happens! A friend and I decided to do something. For the sake of 1/11/11.

This post was published on Jan. 11th, 2011, 11:11 p.m., Pacific Time. Hopefully at 11:11:11.

…because that would just be cool.

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I hate my household. If I take a side during an argument, I’ll be persecuted. If I don’t take a side, than the same argument will arise over and over again until I go insane. I need a vacation for just myself where the last thing I can hear is arguing. I want to go to a place where I don’t have to worry about anything.

I absolutely hate my household.

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New Years Resolutions

Hmm. Haha, well I’m not as perfect as Calvin thinks he is. But at the moment, I’m in a position where I’m attempting to figure out what I have to change about myself. The first thing that comes to mind is changing the way I think. But trying to alter a set way of thinking seems futile at the moment. And even though my trains of thought could be harsh ever so often, it almost seems pointless considering I’ve thought that way for nearly a fifth of my life.
…oh! I got it! (The rest was written a day after the first paragraph was completed, so I’ve had time to think)
2011 resolution one will be a clean slate for high school and college girls. I’m often pretty cynical about them (or “you guys,” if it’s a girl reading this post), but I will start tomorrow with a score of zero. Well in my defense, I’ve been hurt pretty badly before. So many of them are exceptionally mean and cruel hearted. Not just some of the ones I’ve met, but as I walk around a mall or a park.
Anyways, every time something happens, either to me or the people around me, the score will go up or down by ten points at most. Hell, I’ll even record it somewhere. I think I’ll exclude close friends since I’m sure to be biased. Well, I’ll see where it’s at by the end of the year!
2011 resolution two will be to get my black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I’m currently a black belt candidate and my next promotion test will determine it all.
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2011 resolution three will be to maintain this blog in the interest of keeping up with my skills as a writer and also to continue to get to know myself better. It’ll be a sad day when I revisit this blog sometime in the future and wish I could write like how I did before.
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2011 resolution four will be to make new acquaintances (and hopefully friends) in all of my classes. That seems like a tall order, but it’s definitely doable.
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2011 resoution five will be to clean up my bedroom and keep it clean for an entire month. I’ll admit if that’s accomplished, it would be a personal record.
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…five seems like a nice number to stop at. Plus I wouldn’t be able to accomplish all of them if I gave my self too much anyways.

Filed under: General