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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Day 2 of my 20th year and I’m wishing I could kill myself…

Rant.

Endless hours of studying yield no result. Math is still horrible.

My parents are constantly yelling at each other.

My schedule is infinitely busy.

My speech class just gives me a huge group project to do and I don’t have confidence in some members of my group.

I’m drowning in calculus problems. I can’t fucking tell what I’m doing wrong.

Physics is hard.

I don’t have a girlfriend anymore.

I’m thinking about switching majors. It’ll be difficult because throughout my whole teenage to current life, I’ve only had my eyes on aerospace. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle this glamorous field of engineering… or any field of engineering for that matter.

It’s getting closer and closer to the day Melanie was killed.

 

Everything is so overwhelming at the moment. When I blew out the candles tonight (yesterday night was too busy for me), I couldn’t care less that I was one year older than before. Life doesn’t seem worth living at the moment. I feel so powerless. I feel alone.

I don’t know why I write this only a few moments after I tell a friend that I hate it when people feel sorry for me. But it’s not sympathy I’m looking for. It’s not so someone will tell me that I’m okay because their shit is so much worse.

The only good thing I have going so far is that I think I aced a physics midterm. But I always feel that way for math and I’d end up with a low C or something.

My one and only birthday card for this year was spectacular. It was my Facebook wall. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I logged on near the end of the day and saw the notification. At least fifty people cared. I was incredibly touched. I really should reply back soon once this hell is over. Got some really long and personal messages. Got plenty of “Happy beedays, happy birthdays, have a good ones.” I really couldn’t believe it. It’s like the last shining star you see before the storm system covers it and tries to sink your boat.

Happy birthday, me…

P.S. Thanks Michelle for your happy birthday wish. And I hope I’ll be able to live a day as cool as your’s in the near future. Seems like you have some extraordinary friends, but I wouldn’t know since I’ve never met them. Haha, but don’t let them go anytime soon!

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