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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Comment allez-vous?

So will I continue planning event after event in the valiant effort to distract myself from the fact that my life is empty? The short answer is yes. For now. While drowning in math problems and searching fruitlessly for problems with Bay Area transit, I’ve become increasingly negative.

There’s. NOTHING. Going on in my life.

I believe I’ve exhausted most of my options, milked every ounce of pleasure that’s humanly possible out of my life… You know how they say to enjoy the little things? Well, I have. I find great pleasure in deciding where to eat at the spur of the moment. I find tiny fireworks of ecstasy at each perfect paper or test I get back. Yes, I’m the fucking master at enjoying the little things. I have plenty of practice.

But.

When will something big happen to me? An acceptance letter? A girlfriend? Some kind of major victory in life? …Anything? I mean come on, life, throw me a freaking bone why dontcha?

In the meantime, I’ll continue planning events in an attempt to make my life that much fuller. This weekend was water rafting. It was fun and it worked wonders. But the problem is back: my fucking empty life. Yes, I know what I’m doing wrong. I’m not treating this problem directly. Rather, I’m dealing with its symptoms. Ask me how I’ll fix this and I’ll say “I don’t know.” Because I don’t know what the exact problem is.

Maybe it’s in the way I think. Maybe it’s because even though I’m surrounded by people who care about me, I still feel alone in this world. Maybe it’s because I haven’t properly dealt with my depression issues just yet. Whatever the issue may be, I’m sure I’m not helping by trying to spend most of my summer not wallowing in despair in front of my computer screen. But hopefully, it’s a start.

This weekend was water rafting. (It was fun by the way and, for the most part, an organizational success) Next weekend… the beach. Week after that? Not sure. I’m thinking of a biking trip or a hiking trip.

I’m just trying really hard to keep my head above the water.

… Ça va mal.

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Filed under: General

3 Responses

  1. teriyakifan says:

    I know that in “rule of friendship #6,” a good friend ISN’T supposed to say “I know how you feel…,” but um… haha… well I just wanted to give my two cents xD I think it’s really easy to get caught up in all these pursuits… but I don’t know. I guess from a Chrisitan perspective, it’s reassuring to know that God has a lot of great things in store for us. Heck.. we might not really know what or when exactly… but I think having faith and trust is important =)

    John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” My pastor went over this verse today. I know it’s WAY easier said than done, but I’m personally working on really trusting in it. It’s kind of nice to think that the God of all universes has something special in mind for you and me ;)Just press on!

  2. squidyjen says:

    The water rafting trip was fun. No matter what your reasons were to organize it, I’m glad you invited us all out. Thank you.

    The summer blahs are actually quite depressing, I think keeping busy and preventing boredom is a good way to combat it.

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