Bao's weblog

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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Jumping between themes

Whenever I’m blogging and have sudden changes in emotion, I suddenly feel spontaneous. Something has to become different. When I’m feeling joyous, sad, or angry, or any strange combination of raw emotion, I usually change the theme to this blog. This site must’ve had around ten or so changes in themes already. Although the changes are rare, they do happen more often than my friends’ blogs. Actually, as far as I know, this is the only blog amongst them that changes its theme.

So what happened this time? I don’t know, but I felt a sudden surge of frustration and unfairness. Actually I’m lying. I do know what’s going on, but I don’t have the heart to tell because I think I’m a decent human being with consideration towards most other people’s feelings. But it gets hard.

I see people who are angry or frustrated and take it out on their friends. It seems unfair. It is unfair. But it’s understandable. I just wish I had the ___ to do the same. What’s ____? I don’t know? guts? lack of control? decadence? Whatever it is… life does get a little too predictable and boring when I feel like I have to much control over my emotions. Because unless it’s my friends I’m angry at, I keep it all in.¬†Again, “control” might not be 100% accurate. I can’t fucking control my emotions. But I can hide it and put a big fat smile over it. That reminds me of a quote I heard before and used once.

“Lying tears hurt others. Lying smiles hurts oneself.”

It’s a beautiful quote and it couldn’t be more true.

And I just realized I gave all you readers the cipher that determines whether my new themes indicate what I’m feeling… feeling good or feeling bad. I know I’m going to quickly forget about this post when I begin writing a new one, so my choices in themes based on my mood won’t change. But if YOU remember this post and see this blog’s theme change, you might be able to figure it out. Then you’ll either ask me what’s wrong or why am I so happy. And I’ll respond with utter shock and the quote, “How the hell did you know?!”

And again, actually that probably wouldn’t be me. I’ll mask it all up if I’m sad. But then you’ll know. I don’t hesitate to share good news. But when my mood is heartbreaking, like hell I’d tell anyone.

Cheers!

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