Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Can’t walk the walk >.<

This past week… no… the past day were filled with epic fails that torments me and now keeps me from falling asleep. Me, I don’t know how to deal with problems except to tackle them head on. Yes, I fight fire with fire. Me, I say all of these things. I never lie. I mean them from the bottom of my heart. It just sucks when I can’t deliver.

Me, I’m a patriotic person. I’ve always felt that I’d be glad to fight for my country, to give back a little. But I can’t fight for said country. And next thing I know, my friend sitting next to me is about to join the Marines Corps, helping protect all of us. It’s such an incredible job, protecting millions of people you don’t know, protecting the very few you cherish and love, protecting the principles that made you who you are. I wish I could join him, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But it doesn’t look like the military will be in my future. I’m still bummed out about it.

I also value my friends a lot. I really wish I could prove it to them. I just don’t see how I can though; I never seem to be emotionally available. But I definitely want to be. There’s really no way to prove this. I’ve never helped solved a friend’s problems before in the past four years now that I think about it. It makes me more and more restless as I think about it.

I also want nothing more than to be a pilot. To soar through the never ending sky is some fantastic dream that I could never achieve.

In the end, it all boils down to parents. They hold me back. They just don’t understand. I can’t join the military. I can’t be a pilot. It’s too dangerous. How will I raise a family? How will I make enough money? How am I supposed to have a wife if I have to keep moving or am gone four days a week?

Why should I talk to a friend at two in the morning when it doesn’t involve homework or a project? Hell, why even have friends that stay up so late in the first place?

I feel so helpless and sheltered, trapped behind a wall of endless academia and family problems while the entire world seems to move on without me. I see problems with friends and the world that I want to help with and I’m restrained. Then I watch helplessly while the problem is solved and I’m not a part of it. I guess this is one of the unattractive parts of becoming an aerospace engineer. I’d rather fly the fighter than make it. I prefer the more direct approach; I want my actions to have immediate and visible consequences rather than seeing or hearing the results on CNN.

I think my life will be more wild without my parents’ influence. And, for better or for worse, it’ll definitely be a more satisfying life.

I should really name this post “Despicable Me.” I especially loathe myself at the moment.

Signing off, and I’ll definitely be having problems sleeping now. You know how when you’re so pissed off at someone, you don’t even want to look at them, let alone be in the same room with them? So how does that work if that someone is you? And I have to sleep with this retard.



Filed under: General

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