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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Baffled

I hung out with a familiar face today… uh, yesterday now I suppose. She absolutely scares the living crap out of me to be honest. Our conversation, pleasant and hilarious as it may have been, was what got me into thinking. She freaks me out because I can’t tell how close I am to her. When someone asks for her number and she doesn’t want to give it, she’d tell him that she lost her phone. When we exchanged numbers several months ago, that was the exact same excuse she gave me. Yet the next time we met, we kept talking (She initiated it), and that was the conversation where I found out about her missing cellphone excuse. She ended up calling me later on for lunch. Then, after several weeks, she did it again today. Even if she was just bored, I’m assuming she has several people to have picked from… why me?  The fine line that defines friendship grows ever so thinner in my eyes. And even though she’s a blast to hang around with, she’s the living epitome of the ever changing definition of friends. Or maybe I just don’t have enough experience. I’m terrified. She’s an absolutely amazing person and it looks like she can only have the most special of friends.

The average person thinks he isn’t. Father Larry Lorenzoni

Oh, you could not be more wrong.

Okay, the first paragraph might have seemed pointless and confusing.

I don’t get it! I… I really really… don’t. I began to look at myself from someone else’s perspective. And it leaves me utterly confused. How do people tolerate me, let alone want to be my friend? I’m nobody special, just another person. Actually, I have many flaws. I can be spiteful. I’m getting really good at acting cold and distant. I’m not shallow, but I find it funny and enjoyable to pretend to be shallow, so people constantly get the wrong impression of me. I’m not the greatest looking guy out there. I think I have a pretty annoying voice. And I slouch. I’m also terribly shy most of the time.

If I guesstimate, I’m around 95% confused and 5% worried. What do people see in me? What makes them want to talk to me and be a friend? Whenever I meet someone, I’ve always noticed that the most interesting topic for him or her to talk about is themself, so I let it happen. So in the end, what do they really know about me? Plus lately, I’ve met people through my card tricks. Yes, I’ve met them… and that’s it. Several of them remember me. I guess that’s a pretty nice compliment, but again, my hands and my deck are the only reasons why they like me so far. I think. But when they walk up, they say “hi” and ask me how I’m doing. You’d think they’d walk up just for another card trick.

Maybe it’s the kind of thing that I can’t notice but everyone else does, like how your voice sounds different in your head.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m not really looking for compliments or “It’s okay”s to bolster my self esteem. Actually, I don’t know if I’m even looking for the answer. It’s not like I don’t want to hear it, but I just know that no matter how someone phrases it, it just sounds bracing… the “It’s alright” tone. Boy am I in a pickle. I need an unbiased answer but the only people that can do that are the ones that know me… namely my friends. And that totally screws up my unbiased sample.

-Sayonara for now

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Filed under: General

One Response

  1. map0wt0fu says:

    I don’t like to talk about myself unless someone asks. Kind of a bad habit cause I end up learning a lot about other people, but they don’t learn so much about myself. So in the end I don’t think many new people will remember me hahahaha. People may remember you because of your card tricks, so why not throw in some information about yourself too? You like airplanes, guns, Zelda too. If how you look to other people concerns you that much, it really shouldn’t. It’s the same with me. I tend to be more self conscious around new people. But you’ve got a shload of old friends who like you just for you and there are a schload of other people out there too who’d like you just for you. And I have to ask why does this new girl freak you out so much? I’d be pretty damn excited if anyone new just wanted to talk to me hahahaha

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