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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Just a thought

I’ve realized how detached I am from my friends from high school.

Of course, I’m not completely detached from all of my friends. I miss them when I think about them; but, most of the time, they’re simply out of my mind. There are some friends I wish I can talk to again. The worst part about knowing people for a long time is that, if you made a mistake that hurt the friendship, they’ll never forget the things you did to hurt them.

They might say that it’s “okay” and “not to think about it”. But how can I not? I feel like the mistakes I’ve made have hurt the many friends I made in high school. It’s awkward to talk about them and, perhaps to them, I’m simply a footnote in their lives.

I got mad easily. I took out my irritation on other people. I was a dictator. I was awkward.

I no longer know what happens to my friends. Are we still friends? If so, why am I always forgotten? Perhaps it’s my personality, maybe I’m not the type to be remembered.

To be fair, I don’t sign on aim that often anymore. There’s no method of contact and no line of connection. It’s strange to only find out what’s happening in your friends lives through their blogs. I feel like a shadow, a figure enshrouded in darkness stalking these people that I no longer know. I want to re-establish the connections I had in high school. I don’t want to forget these wonderful memories or blow them off like they never happened.

It hurts when I know that my friends are suffering. I want to reach out to them, but I flinch. Am I the right person to help them? How can I just randomly appear out of nowhere and ask them about their problems when I haven’t said a word to them for half a year? I don’t even know if we’re close enough to do that anymore. And so I sit silently, waiting for the outcome, for better or worse.

What’s wrong with me? I think I’ll sign on aim more often.

-Eddie

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