Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

The more A.M., the more my thoughts vary, the more my vocabulary usages grows

To summarize: break is a-okay. I honestly haven’t a clue what to have expected from the brief window where all of my friends would finally be concentrated in one city. Endless hours of amusement no doubt. Maybe a sweeping sense of profoundness from some deep discussion about the elusive meaning of life or love or some other random crap that we normally discuss about in the confines of a friend’s bedroom.

Watching two guys and a girl play gay chicken in the confines of said friend’s bedroom didn’t send me into any all-encompassing, earth-shattering inspiration. However, it left me with little remaining doubt of what I’ve realized some time ago: barring some drastic turn of events like the impending 9.0 earthquake (maybe not even) we’ll all remain the same. Comforting, ain’t it? Martin, Saurav, and Kevin will continue to taunt each other to further penetrate the realms of homosexuality. Teresa will continue to joyfully blog about it, Christine will continue to be repulsed by it, and I’ll… I suppose I still haven’t found my place amongst this particular group of friends. I continue to be the lackadaisical observer that will mindlessly laugh at every racist punchline or sexual innuendo. But what kind of “friend” only observes and never participates?

It boggles, perplexes, and bewilders how one that feels out of place continues to be accepted into the close-knit group, the invisible bonds that meld it together are so uncommonly prevalent against time. Because let’s let me face it, I got squat. If I think about it, I respond every greeting with “I’m good! What’s up with you?” I reciprocate every joke with a short laugh. What else do I really have to offer? Come to think of it, when did anybody ever begin to be nice to me, let alone like me? I must’ve missed the transition, joyous it may have been. When did Teresa start referring to us as one of her greatest friends? When did Martin or Saurav begin considering me as one of his best friends? When did Eddie or Marcus decide that I’m someone worth talking to or like… how the fuck do people begin and continue to talk to me?

You must all be out of your frigging minds.

…I almost never have anything to write about, but this blog continues to amaze me with realizations that I’ve never had in my life. WordPress is definitely a godsend.

This particular part basically scares the living crap out of me, which is why I render it invisible. What if people do actually know this already and concur? Fuck, if every outing people planned and they think, “Shit, we should invite Bao else he’ll feel left out,” and everybody acquiesces, then it’d be unnerving. I’d prefer it if I began distancing myself from everyone and find friends somewhere else. I don’t know how I’m  making friends, but I gotta be doing something right, yeah? A part of me dismisses this as baseless and preposterous. But again, maybe this stems from a valid fear. A fear of heights is understandable because of the resulting death if you fall. A fear of the dark is comprehensible because darkness hides, and the uknown is scary. Likewise, my small fear…

I’m writing in circles here. 0_0


Filed under: General

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