Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

When I was younger, I thought that I’d find someone, fall in love, and that was it.

Normally, my eyes grow wide whenever I’m at an airport. I get chills that run up and down my spine as my sense of adventure goes into overdrive. My chest swells as the deep and thunderous scream of a plane takes off above me. Soon, jealousy sets in because I wish so dearly I was one of the people with baggage heading towards their flight towards some far off country. (I don’t get to travel to places often that require an airport) This time, well, sure I got all of those feelings above. But I also found sadness in the terminals of San Francisco International.

At the arrival terminal, I saw a man walk up to a woman. They obviously knew each other, because the instant they were in each other’s arms, they began to kiss. It looked so blissful, being aware of only your significant other and ignorant to the human traffic around you. That’s when I felt the coldest I’ve felt in ages. Something melancholy took place inside of me at the same time as sparks flew between the couple. I got chills that ran up and down my spine, but not the adventurous ones. I think I was crying a waterfall inside of me as I turned my back on the two and walked off to wherever my legs wanted to go. I don’t think I can make tears anymore.

I realized that I felt alone. There was no one I could seem to connect to anymore, since last night where I left my friends and drove off into the night towards home. It’s been such a lonely seven months, until it took the couple at the airport for me to realize that I want someone. Then I felt even more empty. I literally looked to my left, then to my right. There’s nobody there. No one to talk to, no one to just spontaneously hug or kiss for no reason. Shit, you’d have thought I’d learn my lesson by now, considering the last two relationships I’ve been in ended disastrously. Well, I guess I haven’t. Maybe a third consecutive failure will successfully render me permanently single.

There was also something else in that coldness. Maybe it was just a longing to travel. But more than that, a longing to travel with that one person that doesn’t seem to exist in this crowded world of over six point six fucking billion (well, not that I checked). It kind of saddens me that almost none of my close friends seem to enjoy traveling at all. I guess they wouldn’t realize how lucky they are until it gets taken away from them. Interesting side note,  that’s actually how I’ve never taken friends for granted. Once you lose one, that should be all it takes for you to realize, unless you’re an insensitive shell that may or may not give a damn. Then it might take a second or even a third time for you to realize, or a fourth if you‘re the dimmest person ever. But for any of you who reads this, I pray that you never take friendships for granted. Once they evaporate, it’s the loneliest feeling in the world.

The cruelest thing of all though, is if these feelings forever accompany me into every airport I go to. Because airplanes are awesome! 0_0


Filed under: General

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