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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

12/31/2009

January 1st, 2010, will be this blog’s second birthday. It seems really neat, tidy, and appropriate that my first post was on the first day of 2008. I looked at my previous posts, and I’ve got to say I’ve changed for the better, even if the current “me” is more depressed than the egghead two years ago.

***

We’re doing okay so far. I’ve ceased all contact with nearly everyone I’ve ever known. However, my closest core of friends continue to be, well, close. It seems miraculous that I still talk to people that are miles away. At the same time, it doesn’t seem like a miracle at all. I know too many people in EVHS who lose touch with everyone in high school. The impending fear of drifting apart isn’t fearful anymore. Maybe because the odds of that continue to shrink…

***

Resolutions… they get old quickly for me. The usual “aim for a 5.0 GPA” or “stop biting your nails” vows get old pretty quickly. I’ll probably think of several tomorrow anyways. However, the big picture is that 2010 will be yet another chance to start fresh. My “saved drafts” box will be cleaned and emptied. Despite what Teresa says, I don’t think these unfinished thoughts are fit for individual posts. Unlike her, I guess I’m a tad more strict when it comes to posting. Even my rants seem somehow organized. But nevertheless, below you’ll find most of my unfinished thoughts. I left out some of the more chaotic ones (about a quarter) because they just don’t make any sense, even to me. In one of them I went from bananas to life to Australia and how amazing it’d be to see bananas living like Freud… it gets complicated. But it doesn’t matter, because it’s gone. Below is the collection. Good luck if you plan on reading through it all.

***

Title: I was Harry Potter

In the late stages of REM sleep, I died. At least, according to the rest of the world. I don’t remember how I died, but it wasn’t important. I returned to Hogwarts, and only my closest friends recognized me.

Hang on let me think… it’s kinda hard as each bit is slowly going away from my memory.

I couldn’t use magic, or else people would know. Walking across the hallway… I was just another student. A tall cloaked figure walked by me.

YOU!

The figure ran and I gave chase. Somehow he was the link. I ended up following him to the Quidditch pitch and we had an epic dogfight in the air on broomsticks. I got hit with the Cruciatus curse, but I managed to launch a final purple streak of light (dunno what spell that is, since all of my curses were nonverbal) and the cloaked figure fell from the sky. I landed and ran over in a mad rage to the figure… to find out it’s a woman! And not any woman, but Ty Le, one of my classmates in English 4. She looked up at me and said, “I told you I’d appear in one of your dreams.” She smiled and I was clueless… Everything morphed into a whirlwind of colors and I found myself

on the streets of San Francisco, preparing for a Tae Kwon Do tournament. I left my uniform at home and my parents went to get it… only they never came back.

I picked up my shotgun and aimed it at one of the shooters… wtf it’s Ty again. Only she had a loaded handgun and my gun wasn’t.

“Drop that gun.”

Title: My dad’s machine…

For the past few months, my dad and his friend(s) have been doing this private project. He poured several grand into it and spent hours working on it. The final product?

A karaoke machine that’s also a movie player where you can also check your stocks, weather, etc.

0_o

Title: N/A

I walked out of a Barnes and Nobles with Kevin Hsieh, Kevin Ho, and Eddie during the evening. Spirits were high. Eddie got an autograph from a famous author at the book signing. As we walked out, I glanced at my watch.

“Frick, I missed an appointment!” And we all laughed.

“Hey, why are all the people staring in one direction?” We followed their eyes. On the far side of the street was a small body that laid awkwardly on the pavement. About ten feet away, a white van was parked hastily. Feigning ignorance, the three of us began to walk away. However, we couldn’t stop watching the scene play out. Approaching sirens in the background played a fitting accompaniment. A woman next to the body was trying to move the victim. No, that’s not how things work.

“Sorry, what?”

Before anyone knew what was happening, myself included, I ran hard towards the accident, yelling at the top of my lungs. “What the hell are you doing?! Leave her the fuck alone!” I arrived.

“What are you, nuts? I have to get her off the streeet!”

“If you move the victim, you’ll just create more damage. Here, move aside.” I placed my fingers on her neck and was amazed. She had a really strong pulse! What was next? Ah crap, was it breathing? Her chest was moving up and down. Okay, check. I looked up. “Someone called 911 right?” Yes. “Someone’s diverting traffic, right?” Yes.

Then something happened that scared the crap out of me. Well, the victim had bruises all over. She was really soft, as if she didn’t have a single bone in her body. She was hot, too, like she was running a fever. At some places, her skin was torn, but there was so little blood, despite the fact that I could see some of her muscles. Despite all of this, she sits up quickly and suddenly, like how people awake from nightmares.

“Are you alright?”

Title: Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been betrayed (Content N/A)

Title: N/A

My views of life have always been considered pessimistic amongst my friends in high school, which is, in a sense, ironic because the four years of high school have been the best four years of my emotional roller coaster life. And still, debate rages in my head whether it’s been a beneficial four years. In that time span, you tend to gain an illusion that the close knit group of friends that you’ve made in high school will always be there for you for the rest of your melancholy or euphoric future up ahead. After all, we’ve done many important, earth-shattering things together such as attending an eighteenth birthday party or starting our blogs nearly all at the same time. We might as well start picking our best man for the upcoming wedding. But after leaving for college, your illusion is shattered as your friends begin to drift away one by one like guests slowly leaving at the end of a grand party. Then, I had a moment of realization where I realized that in life, people move on… even when they consciously try not to.

Title: N/A

[This was an alternate segment of the story of our group in the future. It was scrapped. Thanh, Audrey, Samantha, and Marcus were going to make an appearance but it got too long and complicated, so they were pushed back and Vikki was chosen in the end.]

Nam, Teresa, and Martin are talking inside the Starbucks…

Nam: Oh my God Teresa, did you get taller?

Martin: My God Nam, did you get wider?

Nam: My God, Martin… I’ve missed you insulting me SO much!

Teresa: (Laughs) Hey Nam, how’ve you been?

Nam: Yeah I’ve been good. I have a girlfriend, a nice car, and I’m–

Martin: What, you have a girlfriend? Is she Korean with puffy cheeks? No wait, you have the puffy cheeks…

Nam: Anyways, it’s time for my date. Saurav and Bao take two long.

Martin: Bye Nam! Protect your–

Bao and Saurav: INVESTMENTS!!!!!!

Teresa, Nam, Martin: HEEY!

(Hugs exchanged)

Saurav: What’s this Nam? You’re gonna ditch us for a girl?

Title: Confusing Dream part 2

Vikki and I drove back to my house because both of our graduation gowns are there, which is essential for the huge high school reunion tonight.

Title: I WANT TO STAND OUT

I want to do something amazing, something crazy, so when people see me, they’ll know who I am. I want to walk down the streets with people whispering all around me, and maybe be asked for an autograph or too. I want to be able to blow them off.

Title: N/A

After awhile, blogging gets so tiring and inconvenient. Perhaps I’ll just stop blogging soon… Blogging used to be fun and exciting, now it seems like a chore. A fun chore… but a chore nontheless.

Title: Basic feeling… (Content N/A)

***

Overall, 2009 wasn’t a good year for me. The year ended with sadness and loneliness and most likely 2010 will begin with it. I hope things pick up. Actually no. I’ll pick things up myself. That’s a start. Speaking about starts, here’s new year’s resolution number one: CRY. I haven’t cried in such a long time I don’t think it’s physically possible anymore. I know people who’d be scared if they lost their ability to cry. I hope I haven’t lost mine’s.

Filed under: General

How long does it take for a wound to heal?

I’ve never dealt with a loss before, so I’m in uncharted waters here. This with the fact that no one in my family knows about this makes it easier and harder at the same time (mostly easier). It’s especially comforting that not everybody knows what’s going on. Nevertheless, it’s really unnerving. I pick the oddest hours to lament and cry when I thought all of that would be over by now. It’s surprising because I still can cry; I would’ve thought I’d lost the ability to do so years ago.

Myth says that the harder and the more somebody cries for a lost loved one at first, the less he or she misses them. Apparently that’s not true, because it’s still difficult to breathe whenever something reminds me of her. I went nuts the first time I heard.

I don’t think there’s any point to this particular post except to state the fact that I miss her so much and I can’t stop loving her.

Filed under: General

Loneliness

A part of me feels stupid for posting about something so insignificant.

But I feel like I haven’t really enjoyed my break as much as I had expected. It was nice seeing everybody again and all; but, we never really did anything together.

To be fair, I did spend a great deal of time with some friends and those moments were absolutely amazing. In another sense, I feel like I haven’t spent enough time with some of my other friends. I feel so chained to my parent’s store and, finding no other excuse to do anything else, I am inevitably dragged back to the store.

Another part of me feels left out by said friends. Rummaging through the piles of facebook photos and reading wonderful memories in blogs without me in them leaves a painful hole in my chest. Aren’t those my friends too? Why am I not there?

I guess I never really understood the meaning of being left out. I never did try to leave anybody out and it’s understandable that somebody would be forgotten.

Ah shit, it still hurts anyways.

After thinking about it, I guess I don’t really have any unique traits that stick out. I just finished reading one of Bao’s posts and I wondered to myself whether I was in the same kind of predicament. I suppose that I don’t really add much to the interesting conversations started by other people.

I hate telling other people about my fears and pain. I don’t like to repeat myself after telling somebody about them.

I suppose that’s why not many of my friends know who I am exactly.

Blogging is a different story. It makes sense to blog to some nameless person who will always listen to you. I remember when Teresa told me that it was easier to talk to a stranger than somebody you know, simply because you might never see that person again and it’s easier to release your previous inhibitions.

Well, I’m sure that the situation is different for everybody but it makes sense to me when I think about it.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this post, I think I’m just rambling on and on about whatever’s on my mind.

I feel left out, there.

-Eddie

Filed under: General

Tell me something I don’t already know…

Yeah, I know I like love airplanes. I mean seriously, if I had a girlfriend, she’d be freaked out and tell people I’m having an affair. And it’d suck, because I won’t correct her. She’s on the money anyways. I take my obsession to the extreme. I have Jeppesen flight charts for my simulator. I have them for over 5000 airports all around the world. I really want a pilot’s license =[

Uhh, for example, the above chart gives precise directions on how to fly an approach to  Runway 17 using VOR and DME equipment on the plane (and a stop watch at some points 0_0 but that’s for when you go into a holding pattern). Plus it gives you directions on what to do if you miss the runway and have to go up again and all that stuff. This one looks a bit intimidating yet fun. But after looking at other places, this one is relatively simple, but absolutely vital if you have no ATC to direct you and you’re flying in horrible visibility.

But my point is, my love for airplanes continue to grow. I mean, I can’t believe looking at that chart doesn’t put me to sleep.

I’m such a wannabe =[

Filed under: General

The more A.M., the more my thoughts vary, the more my vocabulary usages grows

To summarize: break is a-okay. I honestly haven’t a clue what to have expected from the brief window where all of my friends would finally be concentrated in one city. Endless hours of amusement no doubt. Maybe a sweeping sense of profoundness from some deep discussion about the elusive meaning of life or love or some other random crap that we normally discuss about in the confines of a friend’s bedroom.

Watching two guys and a girl play gay chicken in the confines of said friend’s bedroom didn’t send me into any all-encompassing, earth-shattering inspiration. However, it left me with little remaining doubt of what I’ve realized some time ago: barring some drastic turn of events like the impending 9.0 earthquake (maybe not even) we’ll all remain the same. Comforting, ain’t it? Martin, Saurav, and Kevin will continue to taunt each other to further penetrate the realms of homosexuality. Teresa will continue to joyfully blog about it, Christine will continue to be repulsed by it, and I’ll… I suppose I still haven’t found my place amongst this particular group of friends. I continue to be the lackadaisical observer that will mindlessly laugh at every racist punchline or sexual innuendo. But what kind of “friend” only observes and never participates?

It boggles, perplexes, and bewilders how one that feels out of place continues to be accepted into the close-knit group, the invisible bonds that meld it together are so uncommonly prevalent against time. Because let’s let me face it, I got squat. If I think about it, I respond every greeting with “I’m good! What’s up with you?” I reciprocate every joke with a short laugh. What else do I really have to offer? Come to think of it, when did anybody ever begin to be nice to me, let alone like me? I must’ve missed the transition, joyous it may have been. When did Teresa start referring to us as one of her greatest friends? When did Martin or Saurav begin considering me as one of his best friends? When did Eddie or Marcus decide that I’m someone worth talking to or like… how the fuck do people begin and continue to talk to me?

You must all be out of your frigging minds.

…I almost never have anything to write about, but this blog continues to amaze me with realizations that I’ve never had in my life. WordPress is definitely a godsend.

This particular part basically scares the living crap out of me, which is why I render it invisible. What if people do actually know this already and concur? Fuck, if every outing people planned and they think, “Shit, we should invite Bao else he’ll feel left out,” and everybody acquiesces, then it’d be unnerving. I’d prefer it if I began distancing myself from everyone and find friends somewhere else. I don’t know how I’m  making friends, but I gotta be doing something right, yeah? A part of me dismisses this as baseless and preposterous. But again, maybe this stems from a valid fear. A fear of heights is understandable because of the resulting death if you fall. A fear of the dark is comprehensible because darkness hides, and the uknown is scary. Likewise, my small fear…

I’m writing in circles here. 0_0

Filed under: General

Mou nido to furerarenai nara

I never thought we’d part like this.
If we can never touch again,
I wish we’d at least held each other one last time.
It’s a long, long goodbye.
Goodbye, goodbye, as much as it takes.
I mercilessly tell myself.
You’re only waving goodbye out of kindness, right?
I wish I had strength right now…

I met you, the stars shone, and I was born.
Especially if I love…
Especially if “I” exist.
What will happen if we wait for a hopeless miracle?
Blurred in our tears, the planet’s twinkling is gone…

I won’t forget your warmth,
Nor your kindness, or hands which wrapped around everything…

Catch a fiery shooting star and light a flame.
I want to keep loving. I want to keep being loved.
What will happen to the world because of one cold body?
The brave front I’ve shown is melting,
Why?
I can’t stop the tears from overflowing.
I met you, the stars shone, and I was born.
Especially if I love…
Especially if “I” exist.
WHat wil happen if we wait for a hopeless miracle?
Blurred in our tears, the planet’s twinkling is gone.

If we could meet again in the next life,
Make sure you find me then.
Don’t let me go ever again. Hold on tight.
“You’re not alone,” this planet wants you to whisper…

Filed under: General

When I was younger, I thought that I’d find someone, fall in love, and that was it.

Normally, my eyes grow wide whenever I’m at an airport. I get chills that run up and down my spine as my sense of adventure goes into overdrive. My chest swells as the deep and thunderous scream of a plane takes off above me. Soon, jealousy sets in because I wish so dearly I was one of the people with baggage heading towards their flight towards some far off country. (I don’t get to travel to places often that require an airport) This time, well, sure I got all of those feelings above. But I also found sadness in the terminals of San Francisco International.

At the arrival terminal, I saw a man walk up to a woman. They obviously knew each other, because the instant they were in each other’s arms, they began to kiss. It looked so blissful, being aware of only your significant other and ignorant to the human traffic around you. That’s when I felt the coldest I’ve felt in ages. Something melancholy took place inside of me at the same time as sparks flew between the couple. I got chills that ran up and down my spine, but not the adventurous ones. I think I was crying a waterfall inside of me as I turned my back on the two and walked off to wherever my legs wanted to go. I don’t think I can make tears anymore.

I realized that I felt alone. There was no one I could seem to connect to anymore, since last night where I left my friends and drove off into the night towards home. It’s been such a lonely seven months, until it took the couple at the airport for me to realize that I want someone. Then I felt even more empty. I literally looked to my left, then to my right. There’s nobody there. No one to talk to, no one to just spontaneously hug or kiss for no reason. Shit, you’d have thought I’d learn my lesson by now, considering the last two relationships I’ve been in ended disastrously. Well, I guess I haven’t. Maybe a third consecutive failure will successfully render me permanently single.

There was also something else in that coldness. Maybe it was just a longing to travel. But more than that, a longing to travel with that one person that doesn’t seem to exist in this crowded world of over six point six fucking billion (well, not that I checked). It kind of saddens me that almost none of my close friends seem to enjoy traveling at all. I guess they wouldn’t realize how lucky they are until it gets taken away from them. Interesting side note,  that’s actually how I’ve never taken friends for granted. Once you lose one, that should be all it takes for you to realize, unless you’re an insensitive shell that may or may not give a damn. Then it might take a second or even a third time for you to realize, or a fourth if you‘re the dimmest person ever. But for any of you who reads this, I pray that you never take friendships for granted. Once they evaporate, it’s the loneliest feeling in the world.

The cruelest thing of all though, is if these feelings forever accompany me into every airport I go to. Because airplanes are awesome! 0_0

Filed under: General

I guess I consider myself lucky

I’m particularly proud and grateful of the fact that I’ve never taken a single one of you for granted. True, I take some of our moments together for granted, but never you guys. That was the only reason I wanted to make this post. Well, I also wanted to write something meaningful and epic, but to be honest I can’t put my heart into it. So before I reach the brink of uber depression or despair, I just wanted to mention this. I don’t know whether you guys are lucky or not for being the only ones who know. I just want to say I’m really sorry for telling you all of this, especially during the holidays.

That being said, I’m also somehow thankful that you guys do know. It seemed like the appropriate thing to do you know? I was also really touched and surprised that you guys seemed to care so much. All of you are amazing people and I just regret doing this. After leaving Fremont, I was adamently convinced that I’ll never find friendship again. All of you simply proved me wrong. As a person that absolutely despises being wrong, I’m actually quite happy.

On a seperate note, it snowed very lightly yesterday for approximately ten minutes in Evergreen. The streets were littered with specks of white, which quickly melted into clearness. Eddie said it was a gift. In spite of the circumstances and all, I’ve never been more happy in my entire life. Unbelievably enough, and no offense to Teresa, Martin, and Saurav, this beats an American flag any day. =D 

Thanks you guys! =]

Filed under: General

Fleeting Dreams and Memories of a Time Long Ago

I was reading some posts on WordPress and, suddenly, I had one of those epiphanies that helped me notice the finer details of life.

I don’t think that I ever truly knew who my dad was until this year. Many times, my visualizations of him were clouded by hatred and misconceptions that I never bothered to understand him. There was once a time where I believed that my father was a cold, heartless, uncaring, selfish son-of-a-bitch that didn’t give a dime about whether I was having sex or doing drugs (not that I did any of those…).

It’s so easy to forget the little details that help reveal an individual’s personality. It’s so easy to get caught up in everything else and lose sight of the most important people in our lives. It’s so easy to be lost in a stream of never-ending work and put off the time to get to know them.

It’s so easy to make excuses for the things we never do.

I never did understand my dad’s true nature until I started working with him. From those cherished moments, I learned that my dad actually has a sense of humor and he truly loves our family from the bottom of his heart. He lives and breathes only for our family and works 11 hours a day every day to make a living for us. He likes to spoil me and he trusts me with all matters. Reflecting on all of these experiences, I think to myself,

“Where was I these past 18 years?”

For a short digression, a momentous event, I believe, has hurt the lives of many of our friends. I never did get to know that individual personally; but, from that experience, it’s easy to recognize how fleeting life is. I suppose that it has never occurred to any of us that somebody in our circle of friends can actually leave this world. It makes me want to cherish all of our friends even more, but at what cost? Did it really take the death of a person for me to realize that life is precious? Did it require such an event for me to cherish the moments I spend every day with my friends?

The same thing happened when my grandfather died last summer. I haven’t seen him for 4 years, yet, every moment I spent with him was as vivid to me as my current life. It was as real as my everyday life, yet as animated as an astral dream…as if it never existed.

I don’t want that to happen to any of my friends and family. I want each memory to be a clear as day and to be cherished like coveted gold pieces discovered in a stream. All of these realizations came to me suddenly, but at what cost? Why did I just think about this now?

Where was I during the last 18 years of my life?

-Eddie

Filed under: General

Yes

Filed under: General