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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

The uber extremists say…

you’re surrounded by fucking infidels! …except Michelle, she’s cool. =P

I still don’t get how this works. I don’t take God as seriously as I really should, though I do acknowledge His existence with little to no hesitency. I consider myself a Christian, but that may be all it. I don’t pray too often… prayer is the axe behind the “break-in-case-of-emergency-glass.” I haven’t touched my Bible in months. So of course, one wonders if it’s good enough to simply believe in Him. I heard that church isn’t mandatory. Daily prayers aren’t compulsory. As long as you believe in Him, as long as you say you’ve sinned, that Jesus died on the cross to save us from them… and if you’re truly sorry for them, it’ll be ok… right? Scares the utter crap out of me because how do I know that I’m truly sorry? How do I know that I’ve apologized with complete and utter 200% sincerity? How do I know that I truly believe in Him when it comes down to the line?

What if when I’m about to die, I question His existence? Will that little slip cost me? What if I can’t help but think dammit I don’t think He’ll help me. ? That’s one of my darkest fears. Some of the other ones are big fucking spiders along with loneliness.

Maybe I should pray. But I wish He’d respond. Why not? Maybe in my constant stream of  chatter, I forget to listen. That’s what Esther tells me. When she prays, she can literally hear Him talking to her as if they’re chattering on some mental cellphone. I don’t think God cares about minutes ^^ so she could probably talk to him for hours at a time. So I try it myself. I ask a question and I listen. I can hear a whisper. Whether that’s from Him or from inside me is still an excellent question. But what if that’s His way? Hmm, that would make sense. He can’t let you know he’s not from your head or else that’d ruin the entire atmosphere. He’s not scientifically there remember? You have to believe.

*Taking multiple choice test.

Me: Shit, is it A… or B…. God?

Voice: It’s B.

Damn I wish.

So back to my opening: The uber extremists say that I’m surrounded by infidels. Except Michelle, she’s cool.

Well, ya just think about it. Most obvious: Martin. Did God send him to test me? Doubt it, because he couldn’t have made it easier.

Martin: Hey Baobab! You know the anti-god right? No, not anti-God, anti-god. Yeah, he’s a god that’ll kill other gods and is invincible to them. BUT he can be destroyed by humans.

And there’s Saurav.

Saurav: No, that’s bullshit! PROVE to me that God exists. No, I know he exists, but he’s not what you think he is. God is the 11th dimension and he’s an energy… whatnot.

Then there are people who come up to me with questions.

Kevin/Teresa maybe/Kuljit: If God is so “perfect,” could he create a boulder that he himself can’t lift?

And of course, the most common one out there:

If God does exist, why does he let all of this shit happen? AIDS, hurricanes, suicidal jihads… the list is endless.

I watched (and enjoyed) films such as Bruce Almighty or the Youtube series called Mr. Deity. Yeah you Christians, look down on me now for watching such blasphemous films generated from hell itself. They make fun of God and try to draw you towards the depths of hell. I wouldn’t know what else to say to them except that sometimes I find God intimidating and ultra-serious. I can’t help but find a source somewhere that puts a more friendly face on Him… a source that shows that He can laugh and has a sense of humor.

But that’s just me ranting. Any Christians or friends out there that wanna chip in their two cents?

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Filed under: General

3 Responses

  1. cutelilgaara says:

    I actually go to Bible study and all that good stuff, so I can at least say that I’ve gained some insight, if not a little more understand, on the subject. It’s not enough to convince me, but whatever. So the first part—it’s not enough that you just believe in Him. You literally, like literally in the most literal-ist level, give up your entire life to His glory, as in you have to surrender all autonomy of yourself and whatever preconceived notions of self-independence and self-derived happiness/pain/success to God, because it’s all His. Literally. You have to be active in your belief, and believe that He will take care of you and provide for you, because your like is His.
    I’m still trying to find some logical correlation/explanation of all my questions, but to really feel God, you have to completely surrender yourself. Something along the lines of your life is not your’s to live, but His. But I can’t. It just doesn’t work for me, because all of this can either be accomplished without a god or already assumes a divine being.
    Back to your question…or comment. If you truly want to live for Christ, or if you really are a Christian, you can’t baragain. You can never retain some sense of self-independence…that there is a part of your life that you have control over that He can’t. Everything belongs to Him. And that shit confuses me, but that’s what the pastor says, and that is what my book says.
    So yeah. Perhaps you should ask Michelle about this.

  2. teriyakifan says:

    Ooo.. I see my name 😀 You’re cool too.. haha ;]

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