Bao's weblog

Icon

Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

The best feeling in the world.

“Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you! Over again! Don’t make me change my mind…”

6:28.

A.M.

Very A.M.

Man, ten more minutes!

…6:38 A.M.

… “’cause you. PMS. Like a chick. I would know…”

DAMMIT. Idon’twanttowakeupearly. Idon’twanttogotoschool. Fuckmylife. Screwitall.

Hold the phone… Oh my God it’s Saturday!!! YES! IM LIKE PUMPED. YEES! SATURDAY’S ARE AWESOME! I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED! Alright, back to bed…

…satisfaction…

Advertisements

Filed under: General

Lately I’ve been feeling as if I’ve been robbed or cheated out of something that should’ve been mine, something I deserved. I know it sounds conceited of me to say that I deserve this, not that. But lately, that’s all I feel.

The world isn’t a fair place. People work sloppier than you or don’t put in as much effort, and they win the bigger prize. Or you look at how other people are doing and then compare that to the meager things that you have. Or to delve even closer to my case: why can’t I have a regular life like other people. Why can’t I get away with the same things? Why do I have to work extra hard for lesser rewards? Why I can’t take shortcuts well treaded upon without getting caught.

I’ve had it up to here with rotten luck. I hate anything that has to do with luck because that’s where I screw up. I’ve been known to lose against a 5% losing rate. I’ve gotten the same cards I’ve thrown out in poker (8 and 9 of hearts for a 8 and 9 of diamonds). I’ve been known to extensively study the one thing that might be on the test and isn’t on it the next day. And most of all, I’ve been known to do all of these things at least five times in my life.

Counselors screwed up my schedule when I was a freshman.

And again when I was a sophomore.

The one brand new calculator I buy is defective.

So what did I do to deserve this? Did I break a fucking mirror? I’ve already established in the past that I don’t believe in luck. So why? Why? Why must I have to deal with this? I’ve rarely talked or complained to anyone about luck. If I had to you, then damn you must be special.

It feels like I get the majority of the crap. Not the worst ones mind you. Just enough of the moderately horrible ones to make me feel like jumping off a building. Head first. But then I’m sure a violent updraft will flip me and make me break my legs and face a fine for jumping off a building.

I’m sure my individual curses aren’t worth complaining about and some people try to make me see how “lucky” I have it. Maybe you have it worst then me in one case. Now let me see your’s extend for weeks.

Fuck myself.

Filed under: General

Anthrax at EVHS? Things are definitely heating up…

as my friends and I contemplated, discussed, and shared our feelings and reactions as our school was supposedly beseiged by Hazmat teams, FBI agents, U.S. Postal Service, and local police due to an anthrax threat during third period, which turned out to be unscented baby powder. Rumors also circulated about death threats to specific teachers and administrators. Simultaneously, a giant swastika was burned on our school lawn using salt is presumably linked to the same people. A few days before, some of the trees were cut in half. In a way, I suppose a lot of us hold a tinge of resentment towards the East Side Union High School District.

If this was a senior prank, it’d be the worst ever. But what I’m the most nervous about is another potential Columbine incident. Who knows? Maybe an inconspicuous backpack “forgotten” by a student is placed in the middle of the quad during lunch detonates, spewing white hot shrapnel. Maybe I’ll be reading French in my language class and a word is punctuated by an ill willed gunshot. But I also feel a small tinge of guilt as a part of me thinks, “Finally, something interesting in my life is happening.” Maybe I deserve to be shot for thinking like that. Realistically speaking though, if anything happens, it’ll be during break or lunch when most of the student population is outside. Anyone with brains would do that.

The adminstration tried to fix the lawn by painting the dead grass green, but the swastika remained visible.

I always told and imagined myself that if a bomb went off in the quad, I’d be running over to the injured to help. I’m trained in First Aid and Adult CPR. I’m a good person. I can do it. I would do it. But of course, this is just an intellectual thought. Who knows if I’ll have the guts to run towards the bloody scene, fighting against the crowd of sane people running in the opposite direction. I’d really want to though. It may sound like a cliche, idealistic thought, but I’ve always wanted to save a life. I sign up to become an organ donor. I took first aid classes. I wanted to donate blood, only secretly, needles make me nervous. Shots are okay. Sucking a pint of red blood from me… kinda isn’t.

The risks outweigh the gains. I may get shot, get blown to pieces by another hiding bomb, or get shot, or get stabbed, or shot… but if I make it through, I’ll have a bottomless pit of satisfaction and fulfillment that I saved a life. Perhaps as equally important, if not more…

is an edge in future college personal statements! Community service? Pshaw, I saved lives while being shot at.

But of course, nothing beats a 4.0…

Filed under: General

Untitled…

Today, one of my teachers told the class to look at everything from a scientific point of view. But for me, I think it takes the magic out of everything. Take my long search for meaning of my life. What if there’s no such thing? What if this search is just an illusion induced by some imbalanced chemical ratio in my brain?

And then I start looking at my flaws. It’s one trait that I’m proud of, to be so blunt about what’s wrong with myself. I wouldn’t sugarcoat anything. Anyways, what I’m reminded of is way back in January when I had a friend who wanted to kill herself. And I told her not to do it. And yeahh, that’s basically it and you might be wondering what in God’s name is wrong with me. But if you’ve known me well, you’d know that I felt the same way many times before about suicide, sometimes even in the back of my messy and disorderly mind from time to time. So who am I to tell her she can’t take her own life? Am I so conceited and hypocritical to forbid her not to think the same thoughts that I do?

Today, I found out something new about myself: I blog when I’m bored with my life, or if I am at the sheer precipice of depression. It helps me assess my feelings and lets me cool down. Damage control basically. Life all and all for me can be described with a single word: repetitive. Every day I go to the same school, talk about the same things, laugh about the same things, even walk the same route to the parking lot. I’m not a big fan of routine.

Even the library study session, though fun and productive in some aspects, was overall kind of boring. Get there, hang out, eat, study, study, hang out, eat, hang out, go home. What’s the difference between this one and the ones in the past?

That was last Sunday and began at 10:30 when and where I met Martin and Teresa in their car at a parking lot. We waited for Saurav and Kevin to come and then had lunch. Then we hung out in the front entrance of the library until it opened. Like always, we spent around fifteen minutes searching for a quiet place so we can be loud. We studied, then had dinner. Such a failed attempt to escape the mundane. But to be fair, the library trip was as ecstatic as usual. I had fun playing Nam for a day, and everyone had a great time making fun of me and my patriotic sense.

Maybe Nam enjoys being made fun of because he craves attention… that’s just my guess.

Filed under: General

Close friends?

Just think. In three months, we’ll all be going our own ways, maybe never seeing each other again. And I was left wondering how well I know each person. And then I thought, “Damn it’ll be fun if we make a game from this, like in Friends.” Anyways, just an interesting thought. Here’s what I’m talking about:

Filed under: General

Unbearably addicting…

Filed under: General

Bonne Anniversaire!

It’s the birthday poems’ one year anniversary. We’ve started with Teresa’s birthday and here we are again. And what better 1 year anniversary of the birthday poems then to celebrate a VERY special birthday. So with no further ado.

Teresa, Happy late 18th Birthday to YOU.

Simply put, you’re a really good friend
But more than that, you’re an amazing godsend

Thank you for all those times you’ve helped us through
And I’ve just noticed, but I’ve never seen you wear blue…

Haha, oh my God that orange sweater with the Reese’s cup
Always made me so hungry
For peanut butter

=]

Haha, I don’t know, but I think that’s your signature shirt
Along with those hairy boots with dangling balls
You’re never afraid to dig around in the dirt
Getting to the bottom of things, digging for all that you’re worth

You’re a good friend, an awesome person
No one can go wrong to be friend with you
So Happy Birthday Teresa, live life to the fullest
And may all your wishes come true =P

And your present is 50% finished.

Filed under: Birthday poems, General