Bao's weblog


Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary


So it’s 2:09 AM, a dark morning, and I’m still up for no particular reason other than wanting to write. I just watched like one and a half hours of this anime that I can unbelievably tolerate. Well, maybe a bit more than that.

But there are so many things I want to say to so many people, things that I don’t think I can ever say. There’s much that I want to write on this blog at this very moment but just don’t have the guts to.

I guess I’ll just sign on AIM right now. And wtf, Saurav of all people is signed on.

Hmm, because I want to write so many things, I technically could do that 25 things about me that I haven’t obliged to do in Facebook. But right now, I’m in the mood to come up with something shocking or meaningful. Something… significant I suppose. But what? Love? Friendship? Sacrifices? This post has to mean something to me.

Hmm… okay I got it.

Not many people know this about me, but I’ve transferred schools nine times in my academic career. Every first step I took onto a new campus filled my gut with a sense of forbidding, adventurous excitement. I guess I really like transferring schools, starting anew, making new friends. The hardest part is the sacrifices you make, whether it’s a house, a relationship, or a friendship. What could be harder than giving one of those up?

Giving all of those up at once.

Haha, I’ve never really talked about my move from Fremont to Evergreen. Truth be told, I never wanted to be in Evergreen. I’ve grown too close to the people in Fremont. On the last day of 7th grade, I took all of my close friends to the movies, and we saw Garfield. I already lived in Evergreen, but was finishing 7th in Hopkins Jr. High, Fremont. It’s strange because I could’ve known everyone a half a year sooner. Anyways, you’d have to be in an odd situation to be feeling happy and melancholy simultaneously. My friends, my life, in Fremont came side by side with cheerfulness. But giving it all up… needless to say that wasn’t as exciting as it was supposed to be.

And I found myself in a seemingly foreign, hostile, and uncaring campus that was Chaboya Middle School. And I found myself aching for my friends that were physically miles and miles away.

I still don’t want to be in Evergreen. I still intensely wish to be in Fremont. And ironically, it would be just as unbearable to sever the relationships that I have with my friends here. I love all of you guys. Why do you all have to live so far apart, split cleanly in two?

I’m starting to yawn now and my eyes are stinging from staring at the bright screen. But I just can’t stop writing. Maybe my goal for this wordpress blog is to find meaning in my life. I vainly try and capture significance in my day, in my thoughts, and clasp them together like two holding hands. But it’s like… counting grains of sand. You think you have it all, counting the individual grains for seemingly eternity, only you look up and realize that while a handful is a lot, it’s nothing. Why is it so hard to see the big picture? Everything looks the same, even though each individual grain is… individual.

I hope that everything will make sense some day. Having this blog for over a year now has helped me connect and interpret my emotions. But it feels like there’s still much missing, much that’s important. I guess the best I can do is think, think, as much as it takes. There’s like this degree of sadness, envy, anger, disgust… joyousness, ecstasy, and amazement I feel all at once every day. It’s fucking unbearable. How am I not exploding?

The one key that’s missing is satisfaction. Satisfaction is an unattainable goal when I compare myself with really smart people that seems to have their lives figured out. But when I got accepted into my college, life suddenly seemed more confusing then ever. Getting into the college was mind numbingly difficult, but it’s only the beginning of an entirely different ballgame. In this particular case, satisfaction will only be obtained when I’ve analyzed every single grain of sand that represents every single thought I’ve had. But once/if that’s done… then what? Does it mean my life is already figured out? Doubt it. I wonder if the people that have the final thoughts before death… try to figure out their lives at the final moment? Are those questions just cut midthought? If they do, then they have a long way to go. Should I just wait for life to give me more experience before I reanalyze?

All I want is to have everything figured out. Why am I still doing this and not doing that? I’ve been brutally honest with myself long enough to not find it brutal anymore. Now it’s just honesty trying to be cruel. I actually know it because I’m always consciously trying to beat myself up. Haha, I guess this means I’m more immune to verbal beatings.

I’ll edit this later if I feel like it.



Filed under: General

2 Responses

  1. aznheartthrob says:

    yea bro, Chaboya was a shit hole when I went there the first year it opened back in the early 90s. most of the people I knew back then are sorta weird and sheltered now. I hope you make it out of evergreen, seriously. its a comfortable life up in the hills, and it takes a lot to get out of san jose. i suggest you work your ass off to get into a college as far away as possible. your friends will always be there if they’re really your friends. don’t end up at SJSU, EVC, West Valley, Mission, etc. You’ll never get out.


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