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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Assassin!!

Rule of thumb: Martin makes one crappy God. I expect nothing more from an atheist, anti-Christian, overfed, overweight… ah who am I kidding, worst best friend. This is why he’s been booted from his position as God and power has transferred to me, then Saurav. And just like that, the postponed Assassin game has been bumped up to… today on the 26th of this February (instead of the day before we all die). Rules shall be reviewed at break and target assignments will be distributed at lunch. The scoreboard can be located at Chris’s website, found on my list of blogs on the right side of the page.

Tip: Don’t trust anyone =D

Most popular poison (using this method makes kills valid in safe zones!):

Typical melee weapons for inspiration (easily concealed, but difficult to employ):

Typical ranged weapons (Convenient, but may attract attention!!):

Have fun!

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Filed under: General

Why?

So it’s 2:09 AM, a dark morning, and I’m still up for no particular reason other than wanting to write. I just watched like one and a half hours of this anime that I can unbelievably tolerate. Well, maybe a bit more than that.

But there are so many things I want to say to so many people, things that I don’t think I can ever say. There’s much that I want to write on this blog at this very moment but just don’t have the guts to.

I guess I’ll just sign on AIM right now. And wtf, Saurav of all people is signed on.

Hmm, because I want to write so many things, I technically could do that 25 things about me that I haven’t obliged to do in Facebook. But right now, I’m in the mood to come up with something shocking or meaningful. Something… significant I suppose. But what? Love? Friendship? Sacrifices? This post has to mean something to me.

Hmm… okay I got it.

Not many people know this about me, but I’ve transferred schools nine times in my academic career. Every first step I took onto a new campus filled my gut with a sense of forbidding, adventurous excitement. I guess I really like transferring schools, starting anew, making new friends. The hardest part is the sacrifices you make, whether it’s a house, a relationship, or a friendship. What could be harder than giving one of those up?

Giving all of those up at once.

Haha, I’ve never really talked about my move from Fremont to Evergreen. Truth be told, I never wanted to be in Evergreen. I’ve grown too close to the people in Fremont. On the last day of 7th grade, I took all of my close friends to the movies, and we saw Garfield. I already lived in Evergreen, but was finishing 7th in Hopkins Jr. High, Fremont. It’s strange because I could’ve known everyone a half a year sooner. Anyways, you’d have to be in an odd situation to be feeling happy and melancholy simultaneously. My friends, my life, in Fremont came side by side with cheerfulness. But giving it all up… needless to say that wasn’t as exciting as it was supposed to be.

And I found myself in a seemingly foreign, hostile, and uncaring campus that was Chaboya Middle School. And I found myself aching for my friends that were physically miles and miles away.

I still don’t want to be in Evergreen. I still intensely wish to be in Fremont. And ironically, it would be just as unbearable to sever the relationships that I have with my friends here. I love all of you guys. Why do you all have to live so far apart, split cleanly in two?

I’m starting to yawn now and my eyes are stinging from staring at the bright screen. But I just can’t stop writing. Maybe my goal for this wordpress blog is to find meaning in my life. I vainly try and capture significance in my day, in my thoughts, and clasp them together like two holding hands. But it’s like… counting grains of sand. You think you have it all, counting the individual grains for seemingly eternity, only you look up and realize that while a handful is a lot, it’s nothing. Why is it so hard to see the big picture? Everything looks the same, even though each individual grain is… individual.

I hope that everything will make sense some day. Having this blog for over a year now has helped me connect and interpret my emotions. But it feels like there’s still much missing, much that’s important. I guess the best I can do is think, think, as much as it takes. There’s like this degree of sadness, envy, anger, disgust… joyousness, ecstasy, and amazement I feel all at once every day. It’s fucking unbearable. How am I not exploding?

The one key that’s missing is satisfaction. Satisfaction is an unattainable goal when I compare myself with really smart people that seems to have their lives figured out. But when I got accepted into my college, life suddenly seemed more confusing then ever. Getting into the college was mind numbingly difficult, but it’s only the beginning of an entirely different ballgame. In this particular case, satisfaction will only be obtained when I’ve analyzed every single grain of sand that represents every single thought I’ve had. But once/if that’s done… then what? Does it mean my life is already figured out? Doubt it. I wonder if the people that have the final thoughts before death… try to figure out their lives at the final moment? Are those questions just cut midthought? If they do, then they have a long way to go. Should I just wait for life to give me more experience before I reanalyze?

All I want is to have everything figured out. Why am I still doing this and not doing that? I’ve been brutally honest with myself long enough to not find it brutal anymore. Now it’s just honesty trying to be cruel. I actually know it because I’m always consciously trying to beat myself up. Haha, I guess this means I’m more immune to verbal beatings.

I’ll edit this later if I feel like it.

Cheers.

Filed under: General

Winter Break

this year… is officially the most boring, the most dullest, the most uneventful… followed by this huge spike of happiness and ecstasy, down to acceptance, then evening out to mundane.

I went to Oakridge with some of the guys on Sunday where we saw the International. We were going to go bowling too, but being the really poor person who didn’t have another cent on himself, we gave that up and walked back in the heavy rain. Haha, I’m really jealous of Michelle’s group, but oh well, missing a game or three of bowling isn’t that harsh…

It’s the small things like that that makes life fun, like seeing Saurav step in this huge ass puddle, or Nam struggling to eat his lunch while walking with us, or Kevin openly gawking at an Asian girl.

This was Sunday. If we fast forward to today, Friday, we may yet surpass the dull, uneventful parts. I wake up, watch some videos on my laptop, checked Facebook, my email… and behold… the spike: an acceptance email to Cal Poly Pomona (they don’t do the letters anymore?). So there I was in bed, punching my fists in the air… then…

practiced piano, did chores, watched TV… life goes on doesn’t it?
Over the course of this break, I’ve heard people do all of these fun things. Martin went to Vegas. Esther went to Tahoe. People at the mall, movies, with friends. And what did I do for those five days?

So in conclusion, life sucks.

Oh but wait. During this week, I also discovered something from a really cool show that caught my interest:

Cheers

Filed under: General

Dear Teresa,

Today fucking sucks!

…yeahhhh.

Your friend,

Bao 😀

Filed under: General

The fundamental problem of blogging…

how the hell do people find stuff to write about and I’m stuck with nothing but… this blog post. So let’s try to make this post as unique as ever.

Things I like, and therefore makes me a guy…

Things I hate that make me a guy

I should do the opposite in a future post. Hmm, I’ve never thought about the stuff that makes me less manly. Obviously, my friends make me less manly. I bet even Teresa could beat me in arm wrestling. My older cousins… some of them. Horror movies, oh god. Well, the last horror movie made me manly, because I left in the middle to play some fps in the arcade.

And now I’m thinking Scrubs and “man cards.” And now I’m thinking of Nam. Saurav making fun of Nam. Saurav making fun of Vikki. Vikki and garden gnomes. Garden gnomes to Europe. Europe to French. French to French hwk. French hwk to… kay I’m just feeling depressed now

Night

Filed under: General

My Papa’s Waltz

My Papa’s Waltz

The whisky on your breath
Could make a small boy dizzy
But I hung on like death
Such waltzing was not easy

We romped until the pans
Slid from the kitchen shelf
My mother’s countenance
Could not unfrown itself

The hand that held my wrist
Was battered on one knuckle;
At every step I missed
My right ear scraped a buckle.

You beat time on my head
With a palm caked hard by dirt
Then waltzed me off to bed
Still clinging to your shirt.

-Theodore Roethke

Think about it…

.

.

.

..

..

Title is “Papa’s Waltz

A father and his daughter are dancing.

The whiskey on your breath is strong.

They danced in the kitchen, making a mess and the mother frown.

Every step she missed, she hit my dad’s belt buckle because she’s so damn short!

He taps on her head to keep her in rhythm. Then he carried her to bed, even though she don’t wanna.

…And you thought the dad was abusive =P

Filed under: General

*Beep

hollered the obnoxious school bell for lunch. I walked out of French class… then headed off to the cafeteria to where I can be by myself to think, get a head start on homework, maybe even relax. This is nice I thought. Nobody is talking to me, save for a few classmates and acquaintances that stop to say hi and share some talk and laughter for perhaps a minute. Students swirled around me like turbulent clouds revolving around a peaceful eye. So relaxing. So peaceful. So rewarding. Why don’t I ever do this as often? It seems like such a better life for me. A particularly difficult stats problem stumped me, and I looked out the window to ponder upon the elusive answer…

where I saw my real friends in another world separated by a pane of glass. I could see Saurav holding something of Vikki’s and holding it high. I could see Martin winning a wrestling match against Nam while Chris and Thanh laughs. I could see Cassi, Eddie, and Christine discussing and smiling and Teresa talking to Jenna. I saw people such as Michelle, George, James, Michael, and many others that are a large part of our group. And most importantly, I sensed (whether it’s actually there or from my imagination I won’t know) a kind of intangible bond that was invisible until now…

Screw it. I packed up my belongings and walked out of the cafeteria to my real friends, where I truly belong.

(True story)

Filed under: General