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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

If you plan on reading all of this word for word… good luck! =P

It’s going to be my first stream of consciousness in ages, and probably the first one ever not to have a passcode. I’m probably going to write nonstop with no regards to length, be it very short or very long. So where to begin?

The ecstasy of passing with flying colors with the toughest examiner in Alma has already faded into the past. Whenever I drive with my dad, the quality of my skills decreases by like 200 percent. Driving with him is automatically associated with pressure, unneeded pressure. I start to make mistakes even when I think about driving with him. I don’t know if my parents noticed, but they’re making me a worse driver than I was before. I probably won’t be able to pass if I take the test now.

Yesterday, I went on a four hour tour in San Francisco. Tours are informative. Tours are boring until the very end. You don’t appreciate how much you’ve seen until twenty minutes before the tour ends. Then you look back and think “damn!” The tour was sort of eventful. On our way down from Twin Peak where you could see the entire city of The City by the Ocean, the top deck (where I was seated) noticed that we left two people behind. Thinking about it now makes me laugh, but back then, I don’t think anybody really cared.

Really? Well at least no one was willing to go to the tour guide and give him the news. So I’m like oh wtf and went down myself. There’s initiative for you, Eddie. Whether it was Eddie’s influence or the no man left behind mantra made famous by the Army and countless movies… So we went back to Twin Peaks, picked up the two stragglers, and I became a five minute hero. Sorry Eddie, but you make taking initiative seem so overrated.

I’ve also developed a habit of mentally speaking to myself, especially when criticizing others. It’s increased since break started because I’m cut off from the rest of the world and am agitated. Now I think about it, it sounds like a broken record. Nothing but holy shit get me the fuck out of here, how do I tell them that they’re acting gay without hurting their feelings, god fucking damn shut up SHUT UP.

I haven’t posted lately because I’ve been telling myself there’s nothing to talk about. Totally untrue. All of these mindless chores gives me tons of time to think about whatever. Today while stacking dishes, I thought about War of the Worlds, the Hollywood version. The kid talks to Cruise that all he wants to do is dump the kids back to their mother so he only has to care about himself. “And that’s the way you like it,” says he with an awful finality. How would I like it?

In my current mood, yes, definitely. Just take care of myself, don’t have to worry about carrying the burdens of others. Haha, no no, your group seems nice and prepared and all (How do I tell them that they’re acting gay without hurting their feelings?) but I’d like to be alone. How about we make a trade and never see each other again?

But then, I’ve always had a phobia for being the last person on Earth. Right… that makes my life soo much easier to contemplate.

I used to enjoy group projects. I still mostly do. Now, my mind is like tainted with distrust. I prefer to work alone. Get my A’s that way. Then people got this bright idea of “teaming up” with me and declaring my project a “group project.” (How do I tell them that they’re acting gay without hurting their feelings?) So that just means more work for me. It’s happened so much it’s a part of life now. I don’t really mind, because more work means more preparation. Well, it’s been better lately and now I’m the one slacking off as they “repay me.”

My increasing sense of rivalry doesn’t seem to have any bounds, especially in my French 4 class. You could call that a good thing. But it’s been hurting some of my friendships. I think I’ve alienated Cassandra and Kevin, perhaps even Martin for awhile. I knew it. I didn’t care. Just get your damn A and make up later. I don’t think it’ll let up anytime soon. Cassi and Kevin will continue to be alienated as I strive to achieve better grades. There’s not much I can do about it, or nothing I can think of right now. At least, nothing that won’t sacrifice my grades. Cassi’s voice still echoes in my mind. Have I done anything to offend you? You always act so cold and snappish. You’ve forgotten distant, Cassi… She mentions distant later on, so yeah.

I feel like I’m slowly changing to something I hate. But I know that something is going to be stronger, faster, and perhaps more efficient than what I am now. And I bet it’s going to be cruel. Shooting at your enemy when he/she’s already falling in flames cruel. Already, the coldness is becoming the default attitude whenever I meet someone. It takes a lot of effort to try and start to give them a decent chance to be someone I like. Thankfully, after that, it gets easy. I guess there’s still some part of me that’s compassionate and social no matter how small. You’re so fighting a losing battle.

I guess I fail to realize that there are things that should be done in groups. Even if it’s big and you think you can finish it single handedly. I fail to realize it until the very end, when I feel like I’m drowning and while I start to harbor this anger at this injustice and indecency towards my group who are getting ready for bed or chatting away on AIM about what seems to be the most trivial subjects. Well, I wouldn’t know. And to think, I was the one that isolated myself from the rest, no matter how willing they are to help.

And then Cynthia came along. Maybe she understands. I’m so damn glad she’s here and now I feel like crying through happiness because… because in the midst of the sleeplessness, the drowning, the helplessness, she’d reach out and help me through. Proofread some, correcting, staying up until the morning with me. Just guiding me in for a safe landing when all I’ve ever told my group was to back off. How does she know? It’s like my mask is inpenetrable to everyone but her. And now, her boyfriend dumped her and she wants to die. And I feel so bad. If she dies, I wouldn’t have repaid her for what she does for me. It’s not fair how the nice people always loses. It’s not fair that the brave ones die first in battle and the cowards that stay back still live.

Exasperated. Yes, that’s the word I was searching for this whole time.

Maybe to achieve better grades, you must at times isolate yourself from distractions, such as other people that try to make contact with you. People like Cassi and Kevin should know that better than anyone else. And honestly, they do act distant from my point of view. And automatically, my mind begins to generate words such as selfish and hypocritical. Wtf’s wrong with me??! I know they’re not, or at least not intentionally. One thing I strive to do is to NOT be hypocritical. Because those people make me puke.

So do people that talk really loudly for attention. God, I hate those people too. Being alone does have its treasures, and I haven’t fully appreciated it until I don’t have loneliness anymore. What I don’t like about my family is that they don’t know when I need to be alone. And now with all this fighting, I don’t even want to see people right now.

I also hate people that are really physical. Unfortunately, that’s one part of me that will always remain hypocritical. I’m always looking for some good excuse to hit someone in the face or kick in the gut. Whenever I see mean people taking advantage of others not up to me to decide, but still, I always walk over and argue while thinking Please hit me, please hit me, please oh god PLEASE HIT ME! And somehow, they never do, but just step aside. There are too many battles easily won. And “right” wins again.

Ecstasy, exasperation, sadness, anger, fear, anxiousness, depressed, worried, disappointed, and somehow, apathy. I don’t know how I feel all of these things all at once.

Teresa told me that things aren’t supposed to make sense when you’re angry. I’ve never heard anything so wise. But am I really angry? I really hope I am. Life would be that much easier when you only have one emotion at a time. But ten

Cheers.

Reading through all this makes me sound like a prick. I’m sorry if I offend anyone, but this is just how I am when I rant nonstop. But I guess I really am angry, so for now… I’m sorry if I offended you. But not sorry for thinking all of this.

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