Bao's weblog

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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Required

Because I’m sick of my life. But mostly, I’m sick of myself. I don’t even know what to type anymore. I came on today to vent some feelings after venting some tears and realizing how hopeless things are for me. My personality, my attitude, so many things that I hate about myself.

I don’t want to be me anymore. This mental journey to find out who I am… Fuck it. I don’t care. I don’t want to care. Leave it alone. So much shit. Just too much. I just want to walk off into those hills and never come back, like those retarded movies with those fucked endings where the idiot walks off into the sunset.

I guess I am biased. I hate so many people and I’ve been called naive. And ultimately, I AM a horrible person. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. If I think I’m horrible, then I AM horrible, because it’s my own decision. It’s funny how such small things such as an argument on Iraq can lead to indirect insults that can sting me so badly. I hate North Koreans? I hate Mrs. Williams? FINE. YEah, I do. The Koreans only want to nuke me and Williams yelled at me and insulted me and fussed so much about things. Is it NOT OKAY for me to hate people? Please, please. Stop treating me like an ignorant six year old school child who doesn’t know anything about this world. What do you mean “dislike?” Please, it’s just too much. Is my love for my country that horrible to you? Haven’t you found any patterns yet, how unfair this country is viewed? How such a horrible deal we have? NO! Just NO! And what’s worse, it seems as if you’re one of them. I’m not sure. About this, or anything regarding myself anymore.

Why are you always always trying to prove me wrong? Every little fact I dig out, you cut through. You’re so dense, so sharp! So wounding. It hurts me!

You’ve hurt me so much, sliced me through the heart with words that stung. You’ve made me realize how horrible I really am, how self-centered, how biased, how conceited, and how ignorant of the world I am. I feel so retarded that I’ve tried to build up emotion to strengthen my personality. It hurts. I wish I was back the way I was before. I wish I was a hollow shell, that boulder unfeeling of cold, love, or sympathy. It’s just too painful for me. Hopeless. Utterly hopeless.

I question everything now. Perhaps I need to be away for awhile. Just a day. For some reason, it feels like the right thing to do.

And that’s what I’ll do, come Monday. I hope I’ll have figured how to restart my entire life from scratch. I don’t want to be Bao.

Goodbye for tomorrow. See you all again Sunday. I’ll feel much better then and maybe things will go back to normal.

http://www.imeem.com/sestrelinhas/music/DklomOAc/sarah_mclaughlin_in_the_arms_of_an_angel_city_of_angels_s/

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