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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Starbucks discussion

Playing Golf
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

Call me religious, call me a prick, call me ignorant. Christianity is real!

The entire religion of Christianity revolves around the fact that Jesus rose from the dead three days after death. I will support this theory, something I was never given the chance to do over the constant interruptions of Martin, Saurav, and colored punch buggies.

Argument 1: Jesus wasn’t REALLY dead. Dead back then isn’t dead today. He could’ve been unconscious, in a coma.

Counterargument: Okay, okay. But read this. After hanging limp on the cross for God knows how long (I don’t), a Roman soldier actually pierced Jesus’s side with his sword… just to make sure he was dead. If he wasn’t dead already, the autopsy would then read death from loss of blood. Remember, Jesus was sent to Earth as a human being.

After, Jesus’s body (I won’t say corpse for various reasons) was transported inside a chamber. Then, it was sealed off by a boulder that took several Roman guards to move. Three days after, Mary returned to take care of the body, only to find it gone.

But… suppose… Jesus really was in a coma. And he awoke after three days, after losing a lot of blood and deprived of nutrients. If he did do this, however, how would he have the strength or energy required to remove the extremely heavy stone boulder as well as fend off the Roman guards guarding the tomb? Three days! No food or water! No self defense experience! Not even someone at the peak of their fitness performance can survive.

Argument 2: His body was stolen by grave robbers.

Counterargument: Roman soldiers were extremely well trained. Any rag-tag grave robbing team would have a hard time defeating those soldiers in any form of combat. (NINJA!!)

But, for the sake of argument, let’s assume that these highly trained soldiers were cast aside as easily as one would wipe dust from an old desk. After stealing the body… how would it then be possible to explain the eyewitnesses who saw Jesus walking around after his death? Are the super ninjas wearing camouflage and controlling Jesus like a puppet? Do they have strings? Can they make him talk through weaving a strand into his vocal chords? Can they hole punch his eyelids and weave the strands into it to make him blink?? I THINK NOT!! =P Conclusion? Grave robbers theory is out the window.

Argument 3: Jesus walking around was a hallucination.

Counterargument: Remember, not only did Jesus’s disciples see him (and there were like 12 of them I think, or 11) but numerous other people did, too. Now, what are the odds of so many people hallucinating simultaneously… let alone hallucinating the exact same scenario! No poison or nerve agent, even as modern as today’s, can allow a number of people to experience the same hallucination simultaneously. Conclusion? They actually saw Jesus waltzing around, back from the dead.

Argument 4: The validity of documents recording this event are questionable.

Counterargument: I’ll admit this counter is shaky. I’m pretty openminded for a Christian and I’m proud of it. While the validity of these documents is arguable, let’s not forget that there are other documents proving that Christianity is real. Or, at the very least, that Jesus did exist, walk, eat, talk, and breathe like the rest of us. Academic scholars today do believe that Jesus was a real person.

Therefore, since some of these documents are more accepted by scholars, ones that prove other events in Christianity to be real, then it proves that Christianity is real. If Christianity is real, then Jesus rising from the dead is real. Why is that? Second paragraph after the joke. The existence of Christianity revolves around the fact that Jesus died on the cross and rose three days after from his death in an attempt to purge mankind of sin.

Cheers! And to those of you just to eager to fight back, bring it.

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Filed under: General

4 Responses

  1. map0wt0fu says:

    Jesus was stabbed by a sword? i thought it was a spear and it was called the Spear of Longinus >.> Also, I wouldn’t go to say that Christianity is based on the rebirth of Jesus. I mean there have be several stories of people coming back from the dead, but we don’t have religions about them (unless there is like a zombie religion or something) I’d rather think that Christianity is based on morals and ideas we should (loosely) follow to live happy normal lives.

  2. Bao Pham says:

    I don’t know about the spear. But the whole point is that Jesus was dead and he was stabbed in the side to prove it.

    But if Christianity isn’t based around the fact that Jesus died to save mankind from sin, then you’d have a different religion all together. (Judaism I think, which is based only on the Old Testament and completely ignores Jesus dying for mankind)

  3. cutelilgaara says:

    Well yeah. Jesus was a real person, but was he really the Son of God? I think Jesus being revived is more of a dogma than anything. In order to really believe in the religion you have to accept that incontrovertible fact. Like Mary was a virgin, her assumption, etc. etc.
    At its core, religion is fucking good poetry. People just choose to believe it.

  4. Bao Pham says:

    Ahhhh yes. That’s where this becomes a religion. =P But COULD Jesus have done that if he wasn’t the son of God?

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