Bao's weblog

Icon

Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

My Stream of Consciousness.. just typing what i think and don’t be alarmed. I still blame the fucking boy scouts for this one.

(Author’s note: I’ve censored the names of the groups in question. I value my friendships too much whether I should or not. This post refers to Fremont, Evergreen, and maybe a bit of Milpitas)

 

The reason (or at least i think it is the reason) I’ve decided to protect this post is because if you read this, you might be hurt, offended, or the like. Unless you’re a complete stranger, I’d have to thoroughly think this through before I hand you the launch code.

I’ve finally decided… I think I like my ***** friends more. Don’t feel jealous… though you probably won’t give a damn. I don’t know. Lately, lately meaning several months, I sometimes feel as if it’s impossible. My life seems meaningless to everbody, even to me. EVEN TO ME. Like… I’m destined for failure. WHy bother. People talk about UC Berkeley, UC San Diego, UC UC UC. Then there’s me, doubtful whether I’m able to even make it to a state system. Everybody seems so distant. The ones I’m closest to… it seems like it’s the same routine over and over.

It’s probably a mistake to make this post. If I lose my temper, I’ll unwittingly give away this password so I can hurt **…

I always always always feel guilty about something, the smallest things. I have such a weak personality. I am so easily swayed and influence and I’m disgusted at myself. I try so hard to develop a strong personality and a unique character, just for me.

I guess I hate you guys because I’m jealous. All of your enthusiastic plans for the future, all the colleges that are going to accept you… your popular personalities, your raw intelligences. Then there’s me. There’s me. Me, sitting in the corner and studying for the *****Exam I’m sure to fail. Why do I bother? Survival instinct? I’ve been taught that I should never give up, no matter how far below I happen to be. Ha! Taught by war movies several years old. They worked for the soldiers… why not me??

Then there’s piano. I’ve always thought that I was really good with piano. That I was one of the best. haha, hey I’m closing the recital right? But then, there are those other people that simply blow me away. I totally don’t get this. They make me want to give up more and more. The other side tells me to work harder and harder. Strive to beat others! Beat others until they break. Just watch me screw up my recital piece.

My friendly personality is something I also want to get rid of. I have this fucking retarded programming fused in my damn mind to be NICE.

Fuck you you asshole.
Well FUCK YOU TOO!!!
.
..
.
Ey, can you help me with hwk?
… Yeah sure, “Glad to!”

Do I really mean it when I say “Glad to do it!” ? A part of me does. It’s like I was born in this world to be used. Used and then disposed. What about when I ask for help? So many people take me for granted. It’ll take them hours to ask a friend who has the same teacher that I do for the hwk assignment I didn’t jot down because the SAME thing goes through EVERYONE’s minds: Oh it’s just Bao. He can wait. I’m doing him a favor anyways.
And then there’s me, working my ass off explaining how to do each and every single math problem at 1 in the morning to someone, scanning an assignment sheet for someone else, literally doing an essay for someone else while they take a shower, asking all 62 people that are online whether they have a certain teacher for YET someone else… all at once while drowning in precal problems and having French and Chem right after. This, obviously, describes only MOST of the people I know… and I serve.

Probably one of the most sincere quote of flattery I’ve ever received was, “Wow, you’re too nice for your own good.” I have know idea how to take it now, but back then, when life was easy, I’d flash a smile, say thanks, and hold the door open for them while they enter the classroom.

Soo… why do I like my ***** friends more? We were equal. We helped each otherr. When I cried, tissues were tossed at me and hugs were shared… by so many people it seemed. We helped each other, we talked about problems too each other. Edging away as if he/she had a disease was out of the question. Grudges lasted for no longer than a few hours. Our friendships were too powerful. When we said good bye… I’ve had friends that genuinely seemed as if they’d cry in my shoulders. I wish those hugs I’ve received would’ve lasted longer.

Then, there’s *****… where people’s friendships can snap with one single mistake. You wouldn’t know what was happening, and you’d ask. In return, you’re given the cold shoulder. Fine. Even though you’re a “friend,” you couldn’t have given me a warning. Just turn away. yeah that’s it. Glare at me. Well Fuck you! And then… treat me normally again a few weeks later as if nothing happened. Where’s my sorry? Where’s my “let me fucking explain” speech? I fell for that once… never again. Shit happens and you’d better explain why the FUCK I deserved to be treated that way. WHY? What gives the other person the RIGHT to treat me like this?

Because of course (friendly side rising to the “enemy’s” defense) he was under duress and wasn’t thinking straight. He was emotionally stressed.

No. NO. If a person could get away with treating another person like the crap they step on in cow pastures, then so should I. I wish I could treat people like SHIT with the excuse that I wasn’t thinking right. Every time I leave the classroom FUMING and people stop to say hi, I don’t get pissed off at them. Ignore the longing to hit the smiles off their faces Bao. It’s not nice to bring people down with you. Why can’t the world be like this?? Even though I’m literally close to tears as I’m writing this sentence, just now… oh ok. Yeah. I tried and smiled. And just like that, everything cleared up. See? I’m made to be happy so I can serve others. Yeah. Yeah. yeah. It’s like that one post I showed before. Talk to me about your problems and I’ll be glad to help. If you ask me, I can shed some tears. Do you want a side order of anger or sympathy? Because really, I can totally bend myself to what I think about other people JUST to suit your needs. Only in the last post, I really mean it.

So four groups of ***** people. Let’s create a Venn diagram, because a lot of you fall into the middle categories.

Happy, successful, uncaring…

Mean, nice, mean without warning would treat you like shit and then treat you all happy go lucky again. (No apologies, no explanations)

The best people I know.

Really nice friends. Boring, but comforting. Like sleep. It’s always the same routine, the same things.

 

And I swear to God, think twice before you put yourself in a category.

What hurts the MOST is because you guys don’t act like this to ANYBODY. Just me. I mean come on. Why me? You treat everyone else special. And you know what? I can never see you the same again, even if you change. If, of course, I ever give you the numerical password. Why? If you DO read this post, than you might strive to change. Then I’ll know that if I become equal amongst all of you, it’ll be because you’ve read this and feel a) guilty b) angry that I’ve insulted you so and long to prove me wrong c) realize.. “OH! I knew we’ve left someone out!” d) highly unlikely you’ll do it to redeem yourself in my eyes. Haha. No. Like you’d ever find me worthy enough. But then of course, you may be confused or be thinking really lowly of me now and think I’m not worth it. You’re right. I’m not. THough I’m not feeling much as I type this, I know that in my soul, I’m crying to myself to death.

You might also find this post an unprovoked attack from me against you. Moron. Hahaha, no! I’ve been holding all of these feelings back for awhile. This is all but unprovoked.

It’s so weird. I want to never see you all again. But I still want you all to be happy. Do I love you guys too much? Probably. Not? Yes?

And there it goes again… redeeming may actually work. Because of my weak personality of course. But don’t worry, I know what I have to work on now. Personality plus.

But of course (of course) I can’t go blaming all of you for my problems. That’d be selfish and unfair of me. It’s also my fault because it’s just what I am. I don’t know if who is valid at this point. I don’t have enough personality to be considered a real person at this moment in time. This is a trait a soldier, a cold-hearted killer would want. I just want to be a human being with genuine personalities. To be normal. But so far, the things that only truly touch me is seeing people dying, falling from dizzying heights rather than being burned thousands of feet up. You wouldn’t understand what I’m talking about unless if you’ve seen me cry last year. I will cry the same day every year. This, again, illustrates who I am.

I also appreciate you guys very much. C’mon, I can’t seriously just rant on and on about my angry feelings towards all of you. It just wouldn’t be fair. There are

I’ve released all the things I can think of, but I feel as if I haven’t scratched the surface.

and OMG. Just like that, I think I’ve identified part of my problem. I’m torn between two opposing view points. One wants me to walk away and give up. Just rot in the strreets. Another tells me to keep fighting. Fight and don’t stop until you win. It’s agonizing because the first side seems to be winning. Agonizing because the second side, while beaten to death, is just barely holding on. It holds on JUSt enough to trap me inbetween. … What an anticlimax. I see nor feel anything that counts as enlightenment.

****

Some of you seem so unsensitive it sickens me so much (as much as my personality allows me to be sick of). Even total strangers seem more caring and sympathetic. They’ve helped me pull through a lot of problems and helped boost my confidence for awhile. They probably will never know what they’ve done. Actually, I should honestly email them, each and every person who offered words of comfort, email thanks. Thanks for saving my life. I owe you one.

 

Because of this, I’ll give my password to any total stranger and not to my friends. I don’t think they’d want to see this. It’ll hurt them, it’ll hurt me, and friendships shall be severed. Do I realy want that? Hmm… wow. Do I really? Something to think about. How much do I really value my friendship with my ***** group?

And… thank you guys. Vincent. Xi. Erik. Melanie. Esther. Andrew. Alex. Even though you might not be thinking of me right now, busy studying and pulling all nighters, you’ll be a damn good reason for me to live. Or, worst case, to see you one last time before I go away.

Whoo! Typing this was so emotionally stressful. Perhaps I’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep. Night!

Advertisements

Filed under: Vie, , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: