Bao's weblog

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Meandering thoughts of a Bay Area college student… be prepared for some bipolar vocabulary

Happy birthday KEvin

A lot of people care for you and I envy you. =] Have a happy birthday!

A “Happy Birthday” means such a lot
I hope you’ve had an awesome day.
I really means a lot of things
I never get to say.
It means you’re an awesome person first of all
Thanks for doing the things you do.
It means you mean a lot to me,
And that I’m proud of you.

But most of all, I guess it means
That I am thinking of
Your happiness on this, your day,
With pleasure and with love.

Modified it after some British website… Happy Birthday!

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Filed under: Birthday poems, General, , ,

My Stream of Consciousness.. just typing what i think and don’t be alarmed. I still blame the fucking boy scouts for this one.

(Author’s note: I’ve censored the names of the groups in question. I value my friendships too much whether I should or not. This post refers to Fremont, Evergreen, and maybe a bit of Milpitas)

 

The reason (or at least i think it is the reason) I’ve decided to protect this post is because if you read this, you might be hurt, offended, or the like. Unless you’re a complete stranger, I’d have to thoroughly think this through before I hand you the launch code.

I’ve finally decided… I think I like my ***** friends more. Don’t feel jealous… though you probably won’t give a damn. I don’t know. Lately, lately meaning several months, I sometimes feel as if it’s impossible. My life seems meaningless to everbody, even to me. EVEN TO ME. Like… I’m destined for failure. WHy bother. People talk about UC Berkeley, UC San Diego, UC UC UC. Then there’s me, doubtful whether I’m able to even make it to a state system. Everybody seems so distant. The ones I’m closest to… it seems like it’s the same routine over and over.

It’s probably a mistake to make this post. If I lose my temper, I’ll unwittingly give away this password so I can hurt **…

I always always always feel guilty about something, the smallest things. I have such a weak personality. I am so easily swayed and influence and I’m disgusted at myself. I try so hard to develop a strong personality and a unique character, just for me.

I guess I hate you guys because I’m jealous. All of your enthusiastic plans for the future, all the colleges that are going to accept you… your popular personalities, your raw intelligences. Then there’s me. There’s me. Me, sitting in the corner and studying for the *****Exam I’m sure to fail. Why do I bother? Survival instinct? I’ve been taught that I should never give up, no matter how far below I happen to be. Ha! Taught by war movies several years old. They worked for the soldiers… why not me??

Then there’s piano. I’ve always thought that I was really good with piano. That I was one of the best. haha, hey I’m closing the recital right? But then, there are those other people that simply blow me away. I totally don’t get this. They make me want to give up more and more. The other side tells me to work harder and harder. Strive to beat others! Beat others until they break. Just watch me screw up my recital piece.

My friendly personality is something I also want to get rid of. I have this fucking retarded programming fused in my damn mind to be NICE.

Fuck you you asshole.
Well FUCK YOU TOO!!!
.
..
.
Ey, can you help me with hwk?
… Yeah sure, “Glad to!”

Do I really mean it when I say “Glad to do it!” ? A part of me does. It’s like I was born in this world to be used. Used and then disposed. What about when I ask for help? So many people take me for granted. It’ll take them hours to ask a friend who has the same teacher that I do for the hwk assignment I didn’t jot down because the SAME thing goes through EVERYONE’s minds: Oh it’s just Bao. He can wait. I’m doing him a favor anyways.
And then there’s me, working my ass off explaining how to do each and every single math problem at 1 in the morning to someone, scanning an assignment sheet for someone else, literally doing an essay for someone else while they take a shower, asking all 62 people that are online whether they have a certain teacher for YET someone else… all at once while drowning in precal problems and having French and Chem right after. This, obviously, describes only MOST of the people I know… and I serve.

Probably one of the most sincere quote of flattery I’ve ever received was, “Wow, you’re too nice for your own good.” I have know idea how to take it now, but back then, when life was easy, I’d flash a smile, say thanks, and hold the door open for them while they enter the classroom.

Soo… why do I like my ***** friends more? We were equal. We helped each otherr. When I cried, tissues were tossed at me and hugs were shared… by so many people it seemed. We helped each other, we talked about problems too each other. Edging away as if he/she had a disease was out of the question. Grudges lasted for no longer than a few hours. Our friendships were too powerful. When we said good bye… I’ve had friends that genuinely seemed as if they’d cry in my shoulders. I wish those hugs I’ve received would’ve lasted longer.

Then, there’s *****… where people’s friendships can snap with one single mistake. You wouldn’t know what was happening, and you’d ask. In return, you’re given the cold shoulder. Fine. Even though you’re a “friend,” you couldn’t have given me a warning. Just turn away. yeah that’s it. Glare at me. Well Fuck you! And then… treat me normally again a few weeks later as if nothing happened. Where’s my sorry? Where’s my “let me fucking explain” speech? I fell for that once… never again. Shit happens and you’d better explain why the FUCK I deserved to be treated that way. WHY? What gives the other person the RIGHT to treat me like this?

Because of course (friendly side rising to the “enemy’s” defense) he was under duress and wasn’t thinking straight. He was emotionally stressed.

No. NO. If a person could get away with treating another person like the crap they step on in cow pastures, then so should I. I wish I could treat people like SHIT with the excuse that I wasn’t thinking right. Every time I leave the classroom FUMING and people stop to say hi, I don’t get pissed off at them. Ignore the longing to hit the smiles off their faces Bao. It’s not nice to bring people down with you. Why can’t the world be like this?? Even though I’m literally close to tears as I’m writing this sentence, just now… oh ok. Yeah. I tried and smiled. And just like that, everything cleared up. See? I’m made to be happy so I can serve others. Yeah. Yeah. yeah. It’s like that one post I showed before. Talk to me about your problems and I’ll be glad to help. If you ask me, I can shed some tears. Do you want a side order of anger or sympathy? Because really, I can totally bend myself to what I think about other people JUST to suit your needs. Only in the last post, I really mean it.

So four groups of ***** people. Let’s create a Venn diagram, because a lot of you fall into the middle categories.

Happy, successful, uncaring…

Mean, nice, mean without warning would treat you like shit and then treat you all happy go lucky again. (No apologies, no explanations)

The best people I know.

Really nice friends. Boring, but comforting. Like sleep. It’s always the same routine, the same things.

 

And I swear to God, think twice before you put yourself in a category.

What hurts the MOST is because you guys don’t act like this to ANYBODY. Just me. I mean come on. Why me? You treat everyone else special. And you know what? I can never see you the same again, even if you change. If, of course, I ever give you the numerical password. Why? If you DO read this post, than you might strive to change. Then I’ll know that if I become equal amongst all of you, it’ll be because you’ve read this and feel a) guilty b) angry that I’ve insulted you so and long to prove me wrong c) realize.. “OH! I knew we’ve left someone out!” d) highly unlikely you’ll do it to redeem yourself in my eyes. Haha. No. Like you’d ever find me worthy enough. But then of course, you may be confused or be thinking really lowly of me now and think I’m not worth it. You’re right. I’m not. THough I’m not feeling much as I type this, I know that in my soul, I’m crying to myself to death.

You might also find this post an unprovoked attack from me against you. Moron. Hahaha, no! I’ve been holding all of these feelings back for awhile. This is all but unprovoked.

It’s so weird. I want to never see you all again. But I still want you all to be happy. Do I love you guys too much? Probably. Not? Yes?

And there it goes again… redeeming may actually work. Because of my weak personality of course. But don’t worry, I know what I have to work on now. Personality plus.

But of course (of course) I can’t go blaming all of you for my problems. That’d be selfish and unfair of me. It’s also my fault because it’s just what I am. I don’t know if who is valid at this point. I don’t have enough personality to be considered a real person at this moment in time. This is a trait a soldier, a cold-hearted killer would want. I just want to be a human being with genuine personalities. To be normal. But so far, the things that only truly touch me is seeing people dying, falling from dizzying heights rather than being burned thousands of feet up. You wouldn’t understand what I’m talking about unless if you’ve seen me cry last year. I will cry the same day every year. This, again, illustrates who I am.

I also appreciate you guys very much. C’mon, I can’t seriously just rant on and on about my angry feelings towards all of you. It just wouldn’t be fair. There are

I’ve released all the things I can think of, but I feel as if I haven’t scratched the surface.

and OMG. Just like that, I think I’ve identified part of my problem. I’m torn between two opposing view points. One wants me to walk away and give up. Just rot in the strreets. Another tells me to keep fighting. Fight and don’t stop until you win. It’s agonizing because the first side seems to be winning. Agonizing because the second side, while beaten to death, is just barely holding on. It holds on JUSt enough to trap me inbetween. … What an anticlimax. I see nor feel anything that counts as enlightenment.

****

Some of you seem so unsensitive it sickens me so much (as much as my personality allows me to be sick of). Even total strangers seem more caring and sympathetic. They’ve helped me pull through a lot of problems and helped boost my confidence for awhile. They probably will never know what they’ve done. Actually, I should honestly email them, each and every person who offered words of comfort, email thanks. Thanks for saving my life. I owe you one.

 

Because of this, I’ll give my password to any total stranger and not to my friends. I don’t think they’d want to see this. It’ll hurt them, it’ll hurt me, and friendships shall be severed. Do I realy want that? Hmm… wow. Do I really? Something to think about. How much do I really value my friendship with my ***** group?

And… thank you guys. Vincent. Xi. Erik. Melanie. Esther. Andrew. Alex. Even though you might not be thinking of me right now, busy studying and pulling all nighters, you’ll be a damn good reason for me to live. Or, worst case, to see you one last time before I go away.

Whoo! Typing this was so emotionally stressful. Perhaps I’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep. Night!

Filed under: Vie, , , , , ,

THank you microsoft word checker

Two day I had two right a poem
It couldn’t halve been ease zee
But never fear, my word chequer is hear
It maid me few less queasy

Four who could make miss stakes
With word chequer stand ding bye
Such a reel liable pro gram
Always keep ping me an aye.

I ran my poem through spell chequer
And I am proud two say
My word chequer gave me to thumbs up
With all miss steaks kept at bay

So thank yew word chequer
For all the help yew gave
My poem is finally dun
Watt a miraculous save.

Thanks two yew word cheuquer, I am shore to get en ay.
When she fin knish sis grating the poem with in two daze.

Filed under: General, , , ,

Update

A LOT has happened in our game of assassin from Friday to today, April the 14th.

Topic 1: Marcus

On Friday, Marcus managed to kill two people within a few hours: Nam and Van. He’s now assigned to kill Saurav. Saurav is also to kill Marcus. They’re tied by two.

Topic 2: Audrey

On Sunday, in MLK, for the umpteenth time, Audrey failed to kill Saurav. It was kinda funny really. Audrey crafted a poisonous dart in the library and placed it on Saurav’s chair. Saurav was literally inches from dying. THen he noticed Vikki staring intently at his chair and Audrey pointedly looking away. The library was as fun as always.

TOpic 3: Finalists.

There are only 4 people remaining in the game.

Marcus: 2 kills
Saurav: 2 kills
Audrey: 1 kill
Kevin: 1 kill

Filed under: General, Mafia, , , , , , ,

A commendation

I commend Kevin in his role as assassin. To be an assassin, one must demonstrate not only cunning prowess with your murder weapons, but to maintain a sense of balance between your offensive and defensive natures. Ying and yang.

Kevin, so far, maintains a second place rank in the game. But don’t forget, the scoreboard is only a secondary bonus in a game where survival is absolutely paramount. Kevin, by sheer luck and circumstance, managed to survive two attempts on his life.

It was during seventh. A lone challenger walked up to an unsuspecting Kevin, who was innocently walking from “A” building. The challenger had but one objective in mind: irradicate Kevin. His heart pulsed ever so harder as he neared his target. Adrenaline raced through his blue veins. His eyes grew larger, giving more visual input to his excited brain. He was in a different mindframe. A deadlier mindframe. This is what I live for, why I took on such a horrendous job. For the excitement, the rush. Within seconds he was mere feet away from Kevin. With a fluid motion, he pulled out a poisoned weapon he himself had personally crafted with obsession and dedication. Time seemed to slow and noises were distorted. He thrusted…

What the hell? He looked down at his arm. No! Kevin had parried his blow with a grab to his wrist. He stared in horror at his seemingly invincible target. His weapon lay pointless on the pavement.

Only some time later, Kevin would again escape from a different assassin.

Good job!

Filed under: General, Mafia, , ,

Martin and I having fun

hybread monkey (9:20:14 PM): so bao
hybread monkey (9:20:17 PM): whatas up?
baowahrangers (9:20:27 PM): my thing
baowahrangers (9:21:08 PM): it’s
baowahrangers (9:21:09 PM): long
baowahrangers (9:21:12 PM): skinny
baowahrangers (9:21:13 PM): big
baowahrangers (9:21:18 PM):
hybread monkey (9:21:30 PM): …
hybread monkey (9:21:42 PM): are you kidding me bao
baowahrangers (9:21:41 PM): wooow
baowahrangers (9:21:43 PM): pervert
baowahrangers (9:21:48 PM): my leg dumbass
baowahrangers (9:21:57 PM): nasty
hybread monkey (9:22:14 PM): well fuck you
hybread monkey (9:22:15 PM): lol
baowahrangers (9:22:16 PM): lolzz
hybread monkey (9:22:20 PM): look at me pf
baowahrangers (9:22:28 PM): u bastard
baowahrangers (9:22:38 PM): i see u’ve conveniently left out the my leg part
hybread monkey (9:23:37 PM): because you know you tried to trick me
hybread monkey (9:23:41 PM): your leg
baowahrangers (9:23:39 PM): no i didnt
hybread monkey (9:23:42 PM): psh
hybread monkey (9:23:44 PM): my ass
baowahrangers (9:23:44 PM): seriously
baowahrangers (9:23:47 PM): it was propped up
baowahrangers (9:23:49 PM): against the table
hybread monkey (9:23:58 PM): then why say “thing”
hybread monkey (9:24:00 PM): =/
baowahrangers (9:24:01 PM): so what if i said thing
hybread monkey (9:24:13 PM): you know what bao
hybread monkey (9:24:16 PM): forget you
hybread monkey (9:24:27 PM): i’m going to shove my thing up your ass tomorrow
hybread monkey (9:24:44 PM): “thing” as you previously defined it
baowahrangers (9:25:01 PM): LOL
baowahrangers (9:25:02 PM): NASTY
baowahrangers (9:25:10 PM): holy shit!
baowahrangers (9:25:17 PM): i nver knew u were like that
hybread monkey (9:25:43 PM): shit is not holy
hybread monkey (9:25:46 PM): its unholy
hybread monkey (9:26:08 PM): it has the holiness of a bum pissing in the holy water
hybread monkey (9:26:10 PM): =P
hybread monkey (9:26:16 PM): blasphemy bao
hybread monkey (9:26:19 PM): shame on you
baowahrangers (9:34:31 PM): that was the lamest attempt at a dis ever
hybread monkey (9:34:45 PM): =P
baowahrangers (9:34:45 PM): took me THAT long to think of an adequate response
baowahrangers (9:34:50 PM): that’s how CRAPPY ur dis was
hybread monkey (9:35:09 PM): that wasnt meant as a dis smart ass
hybread monkey (9:35:25 PM): just to correct your incorrect language
hybread monkey (9:35:32 PM): =P
baowahrangers (9:35:50 PM): wow
baowahrangers (9:35:56 PM): stop being such a dickhead
baowahrangers (9:36:01 PM): u whorebag
hybread monkey (9:36:04 PM): fine
hybread monkey (9:36:07 PM): lol
baowahrangers (9:36:06 PM): lolz
hybread monkey (9:36:14 PM): infidel
baowahrangers (9:36:23 PM): cameldick
hybread monkey (9:36:34 PM): why thank you
baowahrangers (9:36:32 PM): asslicker
baowahrangers (9:36:35 PM): OMG
baowahrangers (9:36:38 PM): mental image
hybread monkey (9:36:42 PM): LOL
hybread monkey (9:36:51 PM): you brought it upon yourself
.
..

….
…..
Later that day…
…..
….

..
.

hybread monkey (10:00:03 PM): lol
baowahrangers (10:04:22 PM): whatcha doing?
hybread monkey (10:04:32 PM): hw
hybread monkey (10:07:07 PM): what are you doing?
baowahrangers (10:07:17 PM): playing with my thing
baowahrangers (10:07:22 PM): its long and hard
baowahrangers (10:07:25 PM): kinda pointy at the end
hybread monkey (10:07:37 PM): again bao?…
hybread monkey (10:07:40 PM): god damn
hybread monkey (10:07:45 PM): horny bastard
baowahrangers (10:07:42 PM): wooow wtf??
baowahrangers (10:07:45 PM): my pencil
baowahrangers (10:07:51 PM): dood, wtf is ur problem today
hybread monkey (10:08:37 PM): lol
hybread monkey (10:08:41 PM): even more stuff to PF
hybread monkey (10:09:45 PM): i bet playing with your “pencil” feels really good
baowahrangers (10:09:52 PM): ..
hybread monkey (10:10:37 PM): well
hybread monkey (10:10:42 PM): isnt playing with your thing fun>
hybread monkey (10:10:43 PM): ?
hybread monkey (10:10:54 PM): why else would oyu play with it
hybread monkey (10:11:02 PM): man
hybread monkey (10:11:04 PM): i dont have one
hybread monkey (10:11:09 PM): can i borrow one of yours?
baowahrangers (10:11:07 PM): lol
hybread monkey (10:11:16 PM): we can play together
hybread monkey (10:11:18 PM): =D
baowahrangers (10:11:29 PM): sure
baowahrangers (10:11:33 PM): but im giving u the used one
baowahrangers (10:11:38 PM): its about time i moved to a new one
hybread monkey (10:16:09 PM): lol
hybread monkey (10:16:10 PM): kk
baowahrangers (10:16:14 PM): pervert

Filed under: General, , , , , ,

Major updates on assassin!!!!!… and my life but do you really care?

Well, we have yet ANOTHER development in our little world of assassins. For those of you who are complaining about the snail’s pace of this game, it seems as if God has answered your prayers! (not me) Details are sketchy, but a day after seventh period, Teresa was walking back to campus with Thanh. Coincidentally, Audrey was heading along the same way and the three met en route.

 

“Why Teresa,” admonished Audrey, “you’re looking sad today. Here, let me give you a hug…. HA you’re dead… from my DEATH HUG!”

Teresa :46:52 PM): she hgged me
Teresa9:47:42 PM): it was rather sudden

  and unexpected

 

 

   There is more to this hug of death then meets the eye. Cleverly disguised as a harmless ball point pen is a concealed knife. While trapping her victim in her death hug, Audrey stabbed Teresa’s back over fifty-six times!!! 0_0Current standings:

Saurav: 2 kills
Kevin: 1 kill
Audrey: 1 kill
Nam: 0 kills
Marcus: 0 kills
Van: 0 kills
Stanley (deceased): 1 kill First blood
Igor (deceased): 1 kill
Vikki (deceased): 0 kills
Eddie (deceased): 0 kills
Martin (deceased): 0 kills
Teresa (deceased): 0 kills

The future seriously freaks me out. What kind of problems lay ahead that I can see? SATs, college, summer classes, ap classes, Australia. Just thinking about this makes my head burst. And just wait, college is gonna be worse. Oh yeah, I’m also unsure of what my majjor will be. For years, I’ve wanted to work in aerospace. Then architecture. And now, maybe civil engineering? So many of my majors will depend on what colleges I make it to. Hopefully before all of that, there will be time for a final summer with friends.

What do I want to do with friends and no parents?
Camping
Roadtrip (to Vegas: Saurav)
Plane trip
My house for all 10 seasons of FRIENDS
Sleepover at someone’s place
Sleepover at my place
Sleepover at a hotel
Backpacking
Kayaking and camping enroute
Picnic
Bike around huge cities like San Francisco, stopping to eat at some random restaurant
Take a cruise
Travel to one of these places:
Australia
France
CHina (Great wall)
UK
Florida
New York
Washington
Washington D.C.
L.A. Unversal studios and Disneyland/CA adventures
Italy
Japan
Germany
Spain
Carribeans
Hawaii

Okay, so obviously I like to travel. Hope we can do this someday

Ohh, and Saurav’s and my favorite: Backpacking ACROSS Europe!

Filed under: General, Mafia, , , , , , ,

Scoreboard

Today, the third of April, proved to be a pivotal turning point in our world of assassins. Today, my fellow assassins, we have… a new pack leader! For days and days, I have been waiting for a brave soul, a courageous soul, to step up and take action! We are now honoring this brave one. Our new leader is… Saurav! Yaaay!

What happened you may ask? Well, that question only contributes to the skill and expertise of Saurav’s techniques. How? Saurav commited a valid kill in the middle of a crowd… our crowd. That’s right. Beneath the noses of eight plus people, well over the maximum amount of witnesses required to make the kill invalid, the murder took fruition. The victim’s cries went unheard.

This kill also provides a strategic advantage for the rest of the players. Saurav has successfully assassinated Igor, who was until today, tied for first.

Current standings:

Saurav: 2 kills
Kevin: 1 kill
Nam: 0 kills
Marcus: 0 kills
Teresa: 0 kills
Van: 0 kills
Audrey: 0 kills
Stanley (deceased): 1 kill First blood
Igor (deceased): 1 kill
Vikki (deceased): 0 kills
Eddie (deceased): 0 kills
Martin (deceased): 0 kills

Filed under: General, , , ,

Friends

Ahh, friends, what can I say
You’ve help cheer me up on those cold winter days.
You’ve made me laugh, you’ve made me cry
It’s been fun, but time flies by.
Dear Vikki, you’ve been an awesome buddy
Chemistry, water fights, it’ll always be sunny
Hey Van, my dear street brother
Without you, where would I be? Lifeless in some street gutter…
Greetings Martin, you “little” perv you.
Life is always interesting when I’m around you.
And who can forget Saurav, one of my close friends
Used to hate you, but personalities can bend
Dear Christine, they say opposites attract
You’ve been wonderful to me, there’s so little you lack
And there’s Eddie, the man for all seasons
Deceptive and cunning, all of your actions have a reason
Not a single day goes by, not a lone waking moment
You’re all so important to me; you make everything all worth it.
I barely know Kevin, but I know him enough
Kindness with a sense of humor, and a sprinkle of lust…
…For Audrey, though I know her even less
I’ve read her blog and I must confess
We must talk sometime… no I do not jest
Oh snap, I almost forgot Teresa
Guy or girl, I’ll still appreciate thee
For all of those nasty little things that you’ve taught to me.
If you have Teresa, better not forget Marcus
Like Mario and Yoshi, the duo is snarkus
Also barging into this poem is a guy named Chris
Searching my mind, I knew someone was amiss
He’s full of jokes and is always brisk
And last but not least, we have Cassi
Bringing joy and laughter, she’s always a joy to see.
The future lies uncertain, but one thing will be sure
Our closely knit group of friends will split; it’ll be so hard to endure.
Wherever we go and whatever we do,
I wish to God I’ll see all of you.

You know, sometime later in the future, perhaps in my thirties, I might have a home, a job, and my own family. One day, this blog will just pop up into my mind and I’ll read it again. Memories will overwhelm my mind and I’ll cry from the overload of golden moments flooding my nerves. We’ve been through countless ups and downs haven’t we? Well, at least for me.

If and when we leave each other like dandelion seeds, I wish with all my might that we can keep in touch. Maybe meet again for some Christmas caroling and a good movie.

…now wouldn’t that be nice…

Filed under: General, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,